First post back in a while, diary entry.

Vaidas took some pictures of us at the beginning of the month, this is one of my favorites. For those that have been asking about the babies, I will address them at the end. The rest is an excerpt from an audio note I wrote a few weeks ago. <br><br><br>Something in the air was beginning to change around me. I didn’t recognize it at the time. Maybe it was the weather. <br><br>It was in the midst of leaving one season behind, and stepping into another. A change in environment - a fundamental change in a physical environment is an extremely effective mechanism for catalyzing change. <br><br>I noticed it first in the people, or maybe it was in myself. I felt different. A pressure within me had been lifted. For the first time in a while, I felt I could start to breathe. <br><br>I started to see it then in people I had known. The man that makes my coffee smiled at me for the first time. The woman at the post office who makes me feel like I’m inconveniencing her grudgingly offered me a smile. <br><br>I started to see it in my body. The changes to my shape and size I had noticed for so long seemed to have peacefully resolved themselves. The weight that I had gained had somehow melted away. <br><br>I started to see it in the way my dogs responded to me. They no longer flinched when I drew near. They no longer shied away from my touch. I no longer saw terror in their eyes. <br><br>The dogs had struggled for so long to be okay. I felt so guilty in my heart, for putting them through such pain. It robbed them of their ability to trust. It was a while before I realized I had been robbing myself of it in the process. <br><br>I started to see it in the people I had befriended. They had lessened in number, which I took as a fundamental sign of change. It is easy to be fooled by the idea that we are meant to chase friendships at any cost. <br><br>I started to see it in the way I interacted with people. I no longer felt a need to beg to be seen. I had learned to be okay with being invisible. To peacefully exist in my own space. <br><br>To let go of attachments. To let go of people, of dogs, of emotions, of possessions, of hopes. <br><br>I had learned to let go of the idea that I was in control of anything, and realized that that was not something to be ashamed of. <br><br>I was no longer worried by what other people took away from me. I realized that I had the power to take things away from myself. <br><br>I had gained a sense of peace, and a sense of freedom. <br><br>I learned that I didn’t need to hate anyone or anything, in order to let it go. I learned that sometimes, it makes sense to just let go. <br><br>The babies went to wonderful homes, and will hopefully lead happy and healthy lives. I am grateful to have been a part of their journey in some small way. I will hopefully be bringing another litter into this world sometime in the near future, but in the meantime, I am going to enjoy some peace. ?