I’m pregnant and my husband is abusive. That’s why I ended it.

Caught his eye when I was eighteen. I was new in town, a small restaurant in the middle of nowhere was the only place that would hire me, and he tipped me twenty five dollars every time he came in. It was a good way to keep me loyal. For a while, I thought he loved me. That was the easy way out. He was a good husband, he treated me like gold, and I never lacked anything. It was like he wanted me to be happy, but he didn’t necessarily want me to *be* happy. After a while I realized he just wanted me. Nothing else in the world mattered to him. Nothing else in the world was worth his time. It was like I was the only person in the world to him. Sometimes a nice feeling, but most of the time a very uncomfortable one. He made me quit my job, so I could stay home and focus on being pretty. So I could always be there for him. I never thought I’d miss waiting tables, but I did. I missed my old life, and the friends I’d made at the restaurant. But he’d never let me go back. I didn’t like the way he treated our neighbors. He talked down to them and was slightly too rough when getting things done. I worried he’d snap at them one day and things would go too far. I worried he’d snap at me one day, and things would go too far. But I didn’t say anything. I was smart. I knew what would happen if I said anything. And then I got pregnant. I knew, even if I didn’t admit it to myself, that I had to end it when I saw him kick our dog to death for barking at a squirrel. I stood frozen in the doorway as he kicked him over and over again, the beagle’s yelps turning to whimpers, and finally moans. But I didn’t end it then. I told myself it was an accident, and I loved him, and I should forgive him. I got rid of the dog’s body in secret. Later on, when he pushed me to the ground for burning dinner, I realized I had to end it. I couldn’t have our kid living in the same house as him. I didn’t want him to touch my baby. I loved him, and I knew I couldn’t do it myself. So I decided to ask for help. I went to the grocery store. It was hard. I had to push through the pain and blood and nauseau and dizziness. It was hard. And I knew I’d be in trouble if he caught me. But I had to do it. I saw her working there. She was the first person I saw when I walked in. I got a cart and walked up to her. Some old man was talking to her, flirting, and she was pretending to enjoy his company. When he left I walked up. “Hi,” I said. I was trembling. “How are you?” “Fine, thanks, how can I help you?” “I just...I need to get something off my chest.” “Oh?” I looked around. It was just her and me there, but I still felt paranoid. “Yes.” “You can tell me.” I looked at her. She was a nice lady. A nice face. Kind eyes. She had a small smile on them, and I think she could see my pain. “My husband is abusive,” I said. I think she looked shocked. I don’t know. I was just so relieved to have said it that I didn’t notice. “I’m so sorry.” “Thank you.” “What’s your name?” “Natalie.” “I’m Sarah.” “Hi Sarah.” “Hi Natalie.” We both smiled. We knew we had something between us. “You can get him in trouble, you know.” “I know. But it’s hard. I love him. I want him to be okay. And I don’t want to be the one to turn him in.” “I understand completely.” She put her hand on mine. It was cold. “I know what he’s done,” she said. “I know what he’s capable of.” “I know.” “Don’t worry.” I felt a warmth. It was like I’d known her forever. She looked like my mom. She looked like an angel. She looked like the most beautiful person in the world. I knew in that moment I could trust her, no matter what. “You know,” she said. “Sometimes...love has to be cruel.” I nodded. I felt a lump in my throat and I wanted to cry. She smiled. Her smile was very wide, and it made me feel good. “You take care of yourself.” I nodded again. “Yes.” “You’re a nice girl.” I smiled. I think I was crying at that point, but I don’t know. I didn’t feel it. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome.” I walked away. I left the grocery store without buying anything, but I didn’t care. I didn’t give a shit. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I got in my car and drove away. My husband was away. I knew that. It was perfect. I parked down the block and walked back. I didn’t see anyone, and I didn’t care if I did. I had nothing to hide. Sarah was still working. I waved at her when I walked in. She waved back. She didn’t see me when I walked in the back. I walked up the stairs. It smelled bad up there. It smelled like death. It smelled like my dog. She was right behind me. I didn’t hear her until she spoke. “I’ll take care of it.” I turned around. She was tall and pretty, but her eyes were huge. They were enormous, and they glowed like embers. “Yes.” I walked away, and I never came back. They never found him. The baby is healthy. I don’t think it felt anything. But tonight...tonight I’m sad. Because tonight I miss Eddie. I wonder what he’s doing out there, if he’ll ever come back to me. Sometimes I see him. Sometimes I see Sarah. I think they’ve been together for a long time. Sometimes I see Sarah when Eddie’s around. I think she’s his wife. I don’t care. I don’t mind. Life goes on. Most of the time, Eddie doesn’t see me. But Sarah always does. I smile at her, and she always smiles back. Sometimes I miss her. I miss her so much. I wonder if she’d like to grab coffee sometime. I wonder if she’d say yes. I wonder if she’d like to go out sometime. I wonder if she’d like to go out with me. But I don’t think she’d like that. She’s not that type of person. I’ll just keep smiling at her instead.

I’m pregnant and my husband is abusive. That’s why I ended it.

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