I just found out the reason I was beaten and raped at age 15

I'm 30 now, but for years I've been trying to process what happened to me when I was 15 and I couldn't understand why some guy came out of nowhere and beat me and raped me. I was an innocent girl minding my own business, but the guy that attacked me was big, strong, and old...he held me down and did it with so much force that it felt like I was literally being split in half, I bled so bad after that, but the pain was nothing, I was given a strong feeling of shame and I couldn't bring myself to ever speak about it to anyone ever. I left the area and never looked back. I was so afraid he would find me after what he did, I couldn't sleep in the dark, and I couldn't sleep alone either...even when I started living with my boyfriend, I needed him to be next to me, and if he wasn't there and I woke up in the middle of the night, I'd freak out, literally. I don't like being alone. <br><br>Recently, this guy that I used to go to school with reached out to me, and I didn't remember him, but when I saw him again, I remembered....and he used to have a crush on me, so much that he followed me everywhere, and would show up even at my job...but I never really noticed him, he was a bother to me, but he came off as a friend, because I didn't feel creeped out or anything, he never said or did anything that would make me uncomfortable, unless you count the feeling that I wasn't alone, and that someone was watching me everywhere I went. And then, one day he wasn't around anymore. A few weeks later is when I was attacked. <br><br>So, this guy contacts me again, and we were just catching up, but he told me that he'd like to hang out, but I told him no....because I have a boyfriend and I didn't feel comfortable, but he was so upset, and he told me that the reason I was attacked is because he told that guy that I was his girlfriend, and the guy didn't like it, so he went after me. He said he's been feeling guilty for so long and wanted to make amends, but when he said that he was feeling guilty, I felt bad and decided to hang out with him. And then, I just started feeling really bad for him, but he told me that he was upset that I was with another guy, and that he was jealous, he tried to kiss me, and I said no, but he said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, and when I said no, he got mad at me and told me that I was nothing but a whore that deserved to be treated like that, that the guy that attacked me did me a favor because I was a tease, a waste of time, and a stupid little girl. He said he deserved better than me, and that I wasn't even worth his time at this point. <br><br>I'm still trying to process that he made me feel so bad for him when it was his own fault that the creep attacked me, how can he get mad at me for not being loyal to him? I don't owe him anything, and I never told him I was his girlfriend, he just told people I was, and I never knew, I never even paid that much attention to him, until he reached out again, and I thought he was a friend, I trusted him, but I don't know how...I just feel bad for so much, I'm angry, I feel betrayed and hurt. I just don't understand.