After 30 years I think I’ve had enough

I graduated college, started teaching in 1994. I remember feeling so excited, so proud, so invincible. I was ready to change the world. <br><br>I was a high school English teacher for five years, then I switched to elementary. I found my calling. I was the best damn second grade teacher a kid could ask for. <br><br>Every day I arrived at school an hour and a half before the students arrived. I graded, I wrote lesson plans, I called parents, I cleaned my room, I made copies, I sweated my ass off doing all the shit I couldn’t do at home because I had a young daughter to care for. <br><br>By the time I drove home I was dead. It was all I could do to feed myself and go to bed. <br><br>My kids didn’t have clean clothes. I didn’t have clean clothes. I had to send them to school in hand me down pajamas more times than I want to remember. <br><br>People feared my classroom. I was a bitch with high standards, and I wasn’t a fan of mediocrity. The kids who started with me as second graders who graduated in a district with a less than 50% graduation rate all graduated, and half of them went on to college. Most came back to visit me. <br><br>I was too hard, I was too mean. I was too involved. I didn’t have a work life balance. I dated two men. Both left me for women who were prettier and more laid back. <br><br>I started getting tired, a little more every year. I wasn’t as strict, I wasn’t as firm. I started giving in, just a little bit, making it a little bit easier for my kids. I was still a great teacher, but I wasn’t as great as I used to be. <br><br>I left the classroom and became a reading coach. I was still teaching, but just a little bit less. I spent my days going from classroom to classroom showing teachers how to teach reading. I still gave my all. I went to summer training conferences. I spent my own money buying books for kids. I spent my own time tutoring kids who needed extra help. <br><br>I had to attend parent teacher conferences, IEP meetings, grade level meetings, and professional development courses. I was too tired to date, too tired to have friends. I was bordering on clinically depressed. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. <br><br>I was told I needed to be more likable, more organized, more helpful, more patient. <br><br>Then COVID hit. I was forced back into the classroom with no training. I was given a new curriculum. I was expected to be perfect, to online teach and in-class teach and keep track of who was online and who was in person and make sure everyone was always logged in and visible and wearing a mask. 40 kids a class with half online and half in person. <br><br>I was overwhelmed, I cried every day. I was so tired that I couldn’t even cry anymore. My kids didn’t have clean clothes, I didn’t have clean clothes. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t the teacher I used to be. <br><br>I don’t want to be the crying lady at school, the one who can’t hack it anymore. I gave them 30 years of my life, the best years of my life. <br><br>I’ve given my all. I’m done.<br><br>Edit: I didn’t expect this blow up, and I’m overwhelmed. Thank you for the kindness, the advice, the support. It means more to me than you could ever know. <br><br>I am not leaving teaching quite yet. Today marks the first day of my spring break. The above was written on Tuesday. Thursday I’m going to talk to my principal about my future. <br><br>My kids are grown now. I can finally think about me for the first time in my life. I’m going to travel, I’m going to learn a new language, I’m going to paint and read and garden and do all the things I’ve wanted to do but could never find the time. <br><br>I’ll still teach, just not full time. I am going to start a tutoring business during the school year and teach summer school. <br><br>And I’m also going to buy a little house in Mexico, where the ocean is warm and the beer is cold. I’m going to learn how to dance salsa. I’m going to live happily ever after.