My (30/m) wife (29/f) has given up

My wife and I have 2 children, 1yrs and 3 yrs old. I work a good paying job, but very demanding. 5 days a week, 10 hrs a day, commuting, and phone calls in the evenings.<br><br>We struggled with the baby phase. Our older boy had to quit breastfeeding too early, didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2, colic, we’re just generally fussy. My wife had PPD, we had a couple separations, and the usual pregnancy depression. <br><br>I remember we’d fight because she was overwhelmed, and I’d offer help and she’d refuse. I’d work until 8 and come home to dishes, a messy house, and babies needing to be bathed and put to bed. She’d go to bed before 9, and I’d do bedtime and the chores, and cry in the bathroom because I too was overwhelmed.<br><br>My wife has always had low self esteem. I’ve done my best to lift her up, but I’m not a good enough husband. We’ve talked it through, and she’s admitted to making this hard on me on purpose. She knew she needed help, but didn’t want to give in and admit she needed it from me.<br><br>I’ve tried to gameify helping around the house. Make it fun and engaging. I’ve offered to hire cleaning and babysitting and lawn services, and she refuses. She wants to do it all, and she can’t handle the depression and the weight. But I don’t know what else to do.<br><br>She’s told me she’s given up for the day at 9 am. She’s laid in bed with the babies and refused to get up. She looks like Tom Hanks from Castaway, and I don’t know how to help her.<br><br>Should I just secretly hire some help?<br><br>tl;dr my wife is given up, idk how to help.<br><br>Edit: wow! Thank you all so much for the advice so far. I’m surprised at how many replies there are, and grateful for the input.<br><br>Some of you have said I need to do better at making my wife attend therapy. She’s been to therapy, and she’s spoken with a psychiatrist. Once a week, for an hour, doesn’t seem to be enough to help her cope. <br><br>Some of you have said, hire help! I’ll hire help for her birthday, and tell her it’s her present. I’ll also talk with her about taking the time off work to get help. Maybe a 30 day clinic stay if she’s willing.<br><br>Some of you have said, do the housework and the childcare. I do. Every night I clean, and bathe the babies, and put them to bed, cook dinner, do the yardwork, and then I give my wife space. She’s off work at 2, but she’s in bed by 5, and doesn’t wake up until the next day. I’ve tried cooking her favorite meals and making her favorite desserts, and she’s refused to come downstairs.<br><br>Some of you have said, leave her, she’s an awful person. I’ve tried to leave, and I love this woman. She’s not awful, she’s just in a really dark place right now.<br><br>Thank you all again for the advice and kind words.