Too sad to post but he passed on

I posted earlier today that my boyfriend and I found out there were less sperm than anticipated and the chances were low. I was sad but not defeated and went about life as usual. And we had our appointment to inseminate with the remaining frozen sperm but it was a bit of a shitshow. The insemination went wrong and he wasn't able to do it right away and got semen on the walls and in my mouth (which I was not okay with). He told me he was going to "just gay it" which also was not okay and I left in a rage. He called and was like "hello remember me your boyfriend" and I was very very not okay. He went on to say he had some trouble with the cats when he was at home and he was in a bad mood so he wasn't sorry and I just wanted him to die. He was so far from my boyfriend at that moment and I couldn't bare even looking at him. He said he was driving home and didn't want to come back until he was in a better mood and I wasn't sorry and told him I was going home too. I've been at my moms the last two nights and I'm so heartbroken but there's no one to hug. I wish I was blaming myself right now because that would be much easer. But I'm blaming him and some times the world and sometimes me. I don't know what to do now I'm heartbroken and so angry.I don't know if I can forgive him because he broke my trust and I can't fix this.