The fucking genius of the Jewish people

Let me tell you a story of the genius of the Jewish people. Why did we make our most holy site a giant rock? Because we gave it to the Muslims, who believe in a "religion of peace", and as such are uncontroversial, so this site will be forever unattackable and forever safe. Now you might ask, "But that's in the middle of Israel! How did you even manage that?" And you see, we wanted to have a problem for the Palestinians to fight over and give their lives over to distract them from their miserable poverty. And you might ask, "but how will you deal with their terrorism?" And we say, "That is what the IDF is for," or rather "That is what we pay the Americans to waste their tax money on." And you might ask, "But how did you get the Americans to pay for your defense?" And we say, "They give us money because of the guilt over the Holocaust." And you might ask, "But how did you get the Holocaust?" And we say, "We got the Holocaust because of our total, complete, and utter defeat at the hands of the Nazi Germans in WWII." And you might ask, "But how did you survive and thrive after such a complete destruction?" And we say, "We survived and thrived because of the guilt of the Germans and the generosity of the Americans." And you might ask, "How did you even get the Americans to be so generous to you?" And we say, "We were already living there, obviously." And you might ask, "But how did you get there?" And we say, "We were deported there by the British after threatening to join the Nazis." And you might ask, "What made the British so afraid of us?" And we say, "The British were so afraid of us because of our total, complete, and utter victory over them in the Russian Revolution." And you might ask, "But how did you win the Russian Revolution?" And we say, "We won the Russian Revolution because of our total, complete, and utter defeat at the hands of the Czarist Russians in the 19th Century." And you might ask, "But how did you survive and thrive after such a complete destruction?" And we say, "We survived and thrived because of a series of pogroms in which the Czar deported all of our strong men and intellectuals to Siberia, thereby forcing all of our weaklings and fools to lead the Russian Revolution." And you might ask, "But how did you even get to Russia in the first place?" And we say, "We were already living there, obviously." And you might ask, "How did you get there?" And we say, "We were deported there by the Germans after threatening to join the Mongols." And you might ask, "What made the Germans so afraid of us?" And we say, "The Germans were so afraid of us because of our total, complete, and utter victory over them in the Roman Empire." And you might ask, "But how did you win against the Roman Empire?" And we say, "We won against the Roman Empire because of our total, complete, and utter defeat at the hands of the Babylonians in the 6th Century BC." And you might ask, "But how did you survive and thrive after such a complete destruction?" And we say, "We survived and thrived because of a series of massacres in which the Babylonians slaughtered all of our strong men and intellectuals and left only our weaklings and fools to lead our people." And you might ask, "But how did you even get to Babylon in the first place?" And we say, "We were already living there, obviously." And you might ask, "But how did you get there?" And we say, "We were deported there by the Egyptians after threatening to join the Assyrians." And you might ask, "What made the Egyptians so afraid of us?" And we say, "The Egyptians were so afraid of us because of our total, complete, and utter victory over them in the great Exodus." And you might ask, "But how did you win the Exodus?" And we say, "We won the Exodus because of our total, complete, and utter defeat at the hands of our fathers, the Amorites, who kicked us out of Ur." And you might ask, "But how did we survive and thrive after such a complete destruction?" And we say, "We survived and thrived because of our total, complete, and utter defeat at the hands of Noah, who left us to drown in the Flood." And you might ask, "But how did you even get to the Flood in the first place?" And we say, "We were already living there, obviously." And you might ask, "But how did you even survive the Flood?" And we say, "We would not have survived the Flood, but God saved us and told us to go to Ur and multiply and fill the earth. And we say, 'We do not want to leave the Garden of Eden, it is so nice here.'" And you might ask, "Why do you not want to leave the Garden of Eden?" And we say, "Because it is the most beautiful place in the world, and the concubines are so plentiful and so good, and eating the forbidden fruit is so delicious." And you might ask, "But why is the forbidden fruit so delicious?" And we say, "Because of its divine flavor." And you might ask, "Why does the forbidden fruit have such a divine flavor?" And we say, "Because it was a gift from God." And you might ask, "But why did God give you the forbidden fruit?" And we say, "Because God loves us." And you might ask, "Why does God love us so?" And we say, "Because we are the Chosen People." And you might ask, "But why did God choose you?" And we say, "Because we were already living there, obviously." And you might ask, "How did you even get there in the first place?" And we say, "Let us just say, a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away..."

The fucking genius of the Jewish people

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