Just Discovered Why I Can’t Remember Much of My Childhood

I’ve always remembered my childhood as fuzzy and I’m very vague on the details. Both of my parents died when I was young so I kind of chalked it up to that and also because I had a very hard time remembering anything about my life before my mid-twenties. <br><br>My step dad had a very very hard time remembering anything about his childhood too. He was adopted and for some reason his adoption record was closed and he never was able to access any information about his real parents or anything about his life before he was adopted. He remembered almost nothing about his childhood. He couldn’t remember anything about his mom or dad, his siblings, his house, the town he was from, his school, or his life in any way. He often told me he felt like he was just kind of plopped onto the planet one day and that’s it.<br><br>My earliest memory is of laying on the floor in a diaper and crawling. I vaguely remember a man with glasses being in the room and a baby gate. I actually don’t remember how old I was when my mom and dad died, but I don’t remember anything about them. I don’t have a single memory of either of them. I remember my babysitter. My mom was a flight attendant and she would fly for work constantly. I remember going to the airport and watching her leave. I remember my mom also being a terrible mother and locking me in a room for extended periods of time. I remember having a nanny once that was abusive and made me afraid of her. I kind of have a memory of a lady who I think was my mom, but I can’t say for sure and I don’t know what happened to her or when she died. All I know is that my step dad adopted me when I was 10 and my mom was already dead. I don’t remember going to my mom’s funeral or what happened to my dad. My dad died when I was 7. I do remember I had a foster mom before my step dad. I remember she abused me and hit me a lot. I also have a memory of her actually taking me to my mom’s house and getting my stuff. I don’t remember what my mom looked like. I don’t remember anything about my life before i was 4. I have a handful of memories from when I was a kid, but my childhood is just full of holes and empty gaps and no specific events that actually happened. Almost nothing makes sense and there is no rhyme or reason for anything. I kind of feel like I have been blacked out from actually remembering anything about my life.<br><br>I’ve always tried to remember anything I could about my childhood. I could remember certain things, but mostly kind of “impressions”. Like I know my nanny was abusive because I have a strong feeling of dread. I don’t remember exactly what she did to me. I remember she was abusive, but not actually what she did. I do know my life has been really hard. I’ve been through a lot of trauma. I’ve had to overcome a lot. Growing up, I had a lot of anxiety, but I was also very laid back. I have always felt like there was something that I couldn’t put my finger on and I constantly felt like something was wrong. I feel like I’m “in a daze” a lot. I have a hard time concentrating and focusing. I’ve always felt like life just doesn’t make sense. I’ve been confused my whole life. I have been through periods in my life where I’ve been very happy. I’ve always had people who loved me and cared about me and took care of me. I’ve had a good life. I’ve always been provided for, but I’ve just had a weird feeling my whole life like I was in a dream or something.<br><br>When I was a teenager I started questioning if my life was real. I read a lot about simulation theory, so that could have possibly influenced me, but I just felt like life wasn’t real. I would look around and think “what is this?” I thought it was possible that I was dreaming. I had no idea what was real and I felt like my life wasn’t real. I seriously thought I was dreaming. I felt like I was “in a daze” a lot and I kind of questioned if this was my real life. I also felt like my whole life I was “watching” my life from outside my body. Like I was just kind of “floating” and watching what I was doing and there was a separation between what was actually happening in my life and kind of “me” personally. I actually still feel that way. <br><br>I went to a hypnotherapist to uncover repressed memories. She had me kind of be in a “trance” and she asked me questions about my childhood. She asked me what I remembered and I told her the few things I did remember. She kind of helped me uncover a few more things. One of the main things I remembered was that I was on a beach. I remember I was a little girl and I was on the beach and there was a lady. I think this lady was my nanny or mother figure of some kind. She told me my mom had went to the bar and would be back and she was watching me now.<br><br>I looked up beaches on google earth and I’m pretty sure I figured out where I was. I found a beach that I kind of recognized and also seemed to match my memory. I looked up the address of that beach and I found an apartment complex nearby. I looked up the address of the apartment complex on google maps and i found a woman who lived there who I’m pretty sure was my nanny. I found her on facebook and I saw she was from the town where the beach was and I saw she actually was a nanny. I’m like 98% sure she was my nanny. I think she was a live in nanny. I remember she abused me and she actually went to jail for it. She went to jail when I was 4 for abusing a child. I’ve actually read the news article from when she went to jail and she abused three children, including me. I remember when she went to jail, but I remember almost nothing about my life before that. I’m wondering if my nanny was somehow hypnotizing me. I’m wondering if my nanny actually was brainwashing me to make me forget my whole childhood and life. I’m wondering if I actually do have a lot of repressed memories and I’m kind of blacked out from remembering anything. I’m kind of wondering if my life has been simulated in some kind of way. I’m wondering if I’ve been hypnotized my whole life. I’m wondering if all of my memories are implanted. I’m wondering if my life actually happened. I’ve always suspected it, but I seriously think now that my whole life has been a simulation.<br><br>Has anyone else experienced this? I kind of want to hear other people’s stories.<br><br>TLDR: My early childhood memories are very vague. I can actually remember almost nothing about my childhood. I’m wondering if my whole life is a simulation.