My husband admitted he wasn't happy that our baby died.

I'm not sure what to do with this information, so I'll share it here. I was 36 years old when I lost the baby. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant and the baby's heart had stopped. My husband wasn't happy about me being pregnant with the baby but he said we would figure it out when the baby was born. I was devastatingly crushed when I lost the baby. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I think he was sad that I was so sad and he was probably a little sad about the baby as well but he never articulated it.<br><br>Years went by and I've since gotten over the pain of losing the baby but I've never forgotten about what happened. One day, he confessed that he wasn't ever really happy that we were having the baby but the moment I miscarried, he was worried that he'd feel bad for not being happy but he was surprised at how he actually felt happy about the miscarriage and felt so guilty that he had never admitted to feeling that way before. He told me he wasn't happy about it because we were in a very bad marriage at the time and we didn't want to raise a child together.<br><br>He's been married to me for 15 years now and he told me that he wanted to be honest about it because he's happy now and didn't want our relationship to be marred by secrets. I told him I was okay with all of it because I appreciated his honesty and valued that we have a healthy marriage.<br><br>However, the last few days, I've been thinking about how his lack of transparency about his feelings has been grossly unfair to me. I felt judged for being glad to be pregnant with our baby and I didn't think he valued that I was carrying his child inside of me when he gave no emotional support. I feel angry that he never talked to me about how he felt. Because of that, I felt judged when I was glad about being pregnant with our child. I'm sorry I made him feel bad about what he felt but it's not his fault that the baby died. I told him the other day that he should've shared his feelings with me immediately when he felt that way so I could've empathized with him and helped him when he was feeling judged. I told him I felt bad that he didn't feel comfortable sharing with me and didn't think he valued our child.<br><br>I'm not sure what else to say about it. He told me the truth and I told him my perspective about it. I just wanted to share this info about my life with the world.<br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>Edit: I'll respond to a couple of comments I've read. Honestly I don't have time to go back there and read all of them because there's a lot of them. I'm going to apologize to those who thought I was blaming him for the miscarriage. I never blamed him for the miscarriage. That was not ever my intention. And I'm not sexting with people or meeting with strangers nor am I looking to find a new partner. Sorry to disappoint you.<br><br>As for the comment about me not wanting to be a mom, I've always wanted to be a mom. In fact, I'd always dreamed of being a mom. I grew up with the understanding that when women turn 30 they stop being fertile and I didn't get a chance to be a mom until I was 36 years old. I knew that my chances of being a mom was very low when I got pregnant at 36 years old. That's why I celebrated the day I found out I was pregnant and continued to celebrate while I was pregnant. I was so happy about it.<br><br>The reason why I didn't get another chance to be a mom was because my husband didn't want another kid and he was averaging over 300 lbs from 2014-2019. He's down to 280 lbs now. Sometimes I do blame him but that's not what this is about. This is about his lack of transparency about his feelings and his lack of transparency about his intentions about our relationship when the baby was born.<br><br>Lastly, I'm not on a vendetta on chambers and I don't hate men. I have a job and I'm very busy and I don't have time for that. I just wanted to tell my story and share it and I'm grateful that chambers gave me the opportunity to do so.