I have sex with my brother. He hit puberty before me, I wish I was first though.

Hello. Im pretty sure you all know how shameful i feel. And as you can probably tell from the post, I think I should be ashamed of this. I dont really know why. I was born in 2001, and my older brother in 2000. Why I think Im ashamed of this is because I think that I should have hit puberty before him. I dont know why I think this- I guess it has something to do with gender roles. Puberty seriously wanted me to hit it first, and massively failed. Im currently 23 and he is 24. I was 10 when he hit it and I was 14 when I did. It was very hard for me. I felt like I had failed and it gave me a sense of powerlessness because I wasnt the first one to hit it. It still feels like it now. I know it may sound strange, but I just feel powerless. I know, Im a man and men are suppose to be powerful. But Im not. I know I look like a man and I have male organs, but I dont feel like a man. I feel like a little girl. The only time I felt like I was a man was when I had sex with my brother. Fuck, I cant believe I just said that. I couldnt even type it. I just backspaced it and had to delete it. I feel like I have let my mother down. Even though she has no idea, I just feel like I have let her down. I feel so shameful. And I hate how sex is viewed in society. It is something that is sacred to me. It is a type of love and I dont believe you can love someone other then a family member. I dont know if I am gay or I just love my brother. Im attracted to men, but I dont want to have sex with them. I dont want to have sex with anyone other then my brother. I feel like I have let my mother down. Like I have let her down for not hiting puberty first and for not having a child of my own. I sometimes think about how she would never want to see me because she is so disapointed in me. I dont know really know if she is disapointed or if I just think that she is. I just feel like I have let her down. I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel like I have let myself down. I cant even tell myself, so how can I tell anyone else?