I'm a teacher because I want to make a difference for children,

but I'm starting to not know if I even care anymore. I teach to get through the day. I teach because I'm supposed to. I don't teach for my students anymore and it makes me feel dead inside.<br><br>I used to spend hours researching to find more effective ways to help my students. Many of them are from low-income families, with a big portion of them being ESL. Their academic levels and knowledge vary drastically. I genuinely wanted to help them catch up and grow academatically. I believed truly in trying to make a difference for them. I put so much energy into planning everything I could, using differentiated instruction to reach all my students and giving one on one time when I could. I was passionate about it.<br><br>But the kids have gotten so damn hard to handle. So many of them are behaviorally challenged. Some literally won't shut up. Some are violent, and makes me question if they are okay at home. They are all so hard to handle, even the nicer ones are such a handful. They all fight so much, and the worst part is that I can tell they can't handle their emotions at all. <br><br>I used to love seeing them grow throughout the year. Even if I didn't see the academic growth I wanted, I saw great growth in their social skills and emotional intelligence. Now, not so much. <br><br>I used to give a speech at the end of the year telling my second graders to be good to their teachers. To always be respectful and listen to the teacher. This past year, I told my students to be good to their teachers, but also to listen to them and be respectful, because I saw how much they struggled listening to speakers or classroom teachers during events.<br><br>I needed to take a break this summer. I usually stay home all summer to work on my classroom, work on my teacher skills and planning, and organize my stuff. I didn't this summer. This summer, I barely spent any time in my classroom. I barely touched a single thing. I didn't work on my teacher skills or planning. I just went through the motions because I wanted to. I went in a couple times to set up my room and get my stuff, but that's it. I was so tired and so burnt out. <br><br>I don't want to feel this way. I want to love my job again. I want to love teaching and helping my students. But the kids are so hard to handle. So many of them have unmet needs and are so hard to handle. They are all so hard to handle and I want to pull my hair out every time I have to go into work. I want to help them, I know I want to. I want to teach them. I want to be that teacher that the kids are so excited to be in front of. I want to make them happy and proud. I want to be the one that they talk to years after they leave my classroom. But honestly, I just want to make it through the day. I want to make it through the year. I want to survive.<br><br>This is the end of my 4th year. I want more than anything to get that spark back. I want to love my job again. I used to live and breathe it. I want to live and breathe it again.