I (25F) left my husband (28M) after having an affair

This is a throwaway account.<br><br>It's been another very difficult 8 months. I've been in marriage counseling with my husband Tom, and last night it finally hit me that I'm staying in the marriage out of obligation, habit and because I don't know what else I can do. I don't love him anymore, and the stress of what happened is killing me.<br><br>I cheated on my husband last year. I met the guy I cheated with at a work conference, and we'd developed a really strong bond over all the messaging. I started going home early from the conference, just to spend time with him. It was intense. I knew it was wrong when I did it. But it felt like the right thing to do at the time.<br><br>When I told Tom, he was devastated. I begged him to stay, and eventually he did. But I knew that that wasn't a healthy way to get him to stay. So when he asked if I was going to stay with him too, I told him I wasn't sure. He was understandably angry about that. He left for a few days, and I was alone in the house feeling truly awful. So I knew that I'd have to do whatever was necessary to repair the relationship.<br><br>For the last 8 months I've been working hard to repair the damage done. I've read all the articles I'm supposed to read, and I've gone to every therapy session Tom has asked me to go to. And I've seen really clear signs that this relationship is dead. No matter how hard I work to try to repair it, Tom still looks at me with hatred and resentment. Sometimes he's cold, other times he's angry. He won't return my calls, and he's moved to sleeping in a different room. He does little gestures for me, like cooking, but those are the only signs of affection he'll show me. I've asked him to hug me, to kiss me, to cuddle with me and he's refused. We don't have sex anymore. I miss the intimacy, I miss the comfort.<br><br>I've put a lot of effort into this, and I think it's time to throw in the towel. Before the affair Tom and I had a reasonably successful marriage. It wasn't the most passionate relationship, and it certainly wasn't the happiest. I was bored, and sometimes I wonder if the cheating was a desperate cry for help. But overall our relationship was functional, and Tom was a good husband. I can forgive myself, and I can get past the affair. But I don't think Tom will ever be able to do the same.<br><br>Last night we had a huge fight. I accused Tom of not putting any effort into the relationship. He snapped back and said that the relationship is dead, I killed it, and that he's stayed out of obligation. So now I'm certain that the relationship is dead. I have to leave him.<br><br>How do I do that? How do I make this as painless and easy as possible? I don't want to hurt him more than I already have.<br><br>tl;dr: I cheated on my husband after he wouldn't put effort into our relationship. He found out, stayed and then accused me of not putting effort into the relationship, when I have been. I know the relationship is dead, how can I end it in the smoothest way possible?<br><br>EDIT: if you're going to message me and insult me, then please just downvote and move on. You have no idea what's going on in my marriage and you get no benefit from being hurtful.