A terrible father

I am an 18 year old who has been in a relationship with a girl for almost a year now. I met her on a night out with my friends and she seemed really nice and I fancied her for a while but then I found out she was an escort. She didn’t tell me. I found out through another friend. At the time I was really disappointed but I wasn’t mad or annoyed because I didn’t see a problem with it. A few weeks went by and I still really liked her so I asked her on a date and she said yes. After about a month of being together I asked her if she was still taking clients and she said yes and I didn’t see a problem with it. She was still the same person I had grown to care about so I didn’t really see a problem with her just making some extra money. A few more weeks went by and I asked her about if she would ever stop being an escort and she said she probably wouldn’t for the next few years. I said that I was okay with that. She even asked if I wanted to try anything with her or if I wanted her to teach me things and I didn’t see a problem with it. I thought it would be a fun and exciting way to explore myself sexually. At the time I didn’t even think about the fact that I was technically cheating on her as much as she was cheating on me. I slept with other girls. I slept with my friends ex and also with a girl I met on the same night out that I met my girlfriend. These were both really bad mistakes on my part and I regret them a lot now. I never told her about either of them. I feel like it would crush her if she knew and I really don’t want to hurt her.<br><br>Anyway, this is the real reason I’m writing this. A few days ago I came home to my girlfriend and she was in tears. She told me that she was pregnant. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to be a father at 18. I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. I started crying too. My girlfriend started crying more and was asking me if I was going to leave her or something and I said I wasn’t but I told her that we should get an abortion but she said she was too scared to do it. I said that we could marry and have the baby but she said she didn’t want to get married at 18 and have a baby at 19. She said she wanted to be an adult before she became a mother. I then said that I didn’t think I could be a good father at my age and she agreed. I then finally said that we should give up the baby for adoption. She didn’t say anything. I then started to feel bad and I realised I was being a terrible father even though I wasn’t even a father yet. I said that I couldn’t let her give our child away to some random person but she said that she was going to do it anyway and she would do it on her own if she had to. She then said that she didn’t want to do it and that she would rather raise our child together but she said she wasn’t ready and said that she didn’t think that we were prepared for the responsibility that came with raising a child. I said that I understood where she was coming from and that I wanted to raise our child but I also couldn’t leave university to do it. She then started to cry more and each time she reminded me how hard it would be to raise a child but every time she said it she said she really wanted to be a mother and that she wanted our child badly but she didn’t think she could. I then started to cry again and I said that we should just do it but she said that I was only saying that because I was upset and that I really didn’t want to do it. I said that I really wanted to do it but then she started to cry more and I realised I was lying to myself and I really didn’t want to do it but I wanted her to be happy. I kept telling her that we could do it together and that I wanted to be a father and that I wanted to raise our child together but every time she just started to cry more. I then started to feel really guilty and I started to think about how terrible I would be as a father and how terrible our child’s life would be if we raised it. I was scared of ruining our child’s life. I was crying and my girlfriend was crying. I then was overcome with emotion and I started shouting at her. I told her that I really didn’t want to do it and that I hated the idea of being a father and that I didn’t want our child. She then started calling me a monster and that she hated me. She said she was going to do it on her own and that I was going to regret my choice to abandon our child. I said that I wasn’t going to but she didn’t care because she was so upset and angry. She then said that I should leave the house. I was crying but I still had enough sense to remember that it was her house but she said she didn’t care she just wanted me to leave. I did and I haven’t seen her since then. That was 3 days ago. I still haven’t seen her but one of my friends said he saw her on a night out at a bar that she used to work at. She was being escorted out of the bar by 4 different guys and my friend said that he overheard her saying that she was going to have a party with them. He said he was pretty sure that they were her clients. I’m not mad at her and I don’t have a problem with what she did. I just feel bad because she was in a terrible state and I’m the one who made her that way. I sent her a text saying sorry and that I still love her and that I hope she’s okay but she didn’t reply.<br><br>That’s my story and I’m not really sure what I’m going to do next. I love her and I want to be with her but she doesn’t want to talk to me and I can’t be a father. I don’t know what to do and I’m not okay.