My interview as a "dude" studying fat women's sex lives

My (22M) interests are sex research, fat women, and women's liberation. I studied as much guesswork as I could (e.g., sexology, feminist theory, body studies), but I know it's the least valuable thing I can do. Not being a woman and living in a body that shares none of their inequalities, my own life experiences don't directly correlate with what they go through. I'm trying to be self-aware.<br><br>I recently applied to do research at a university trying to take the opposite approach: listening to what they say and asking them for advice. I'll be talking to women of size in Germany and asking how sex education classes should be changed for their benefit. My goal is to make a list of suggestions for German schools, and to be a fly on the wall just absorbing their thoughts on the subject.<br><br>The project is called Bedenkenlose Lust, which is a German play on words for "unapologetic pleasure" and "weightless pleasure." A bit corny, maybe, but I'm just trying to do good.<br><br>I had an interview for this research position a few days ago, so I wanted to interview the interviewer. I asked her for a conversation with the topics reversed: she could ask me anything she wants to know about *me*, a man who is studying the sex lives of fat women. She agreed, and we had the conversation yesterday.<br><br>I'd like to paraphrase what she said word-for-word, so I'll be quoting her as "she/her" even though it was a conversation between two women.<br><br>**"You're a man, and you're interested in the sex lives of women. How do I know you're not just trying to pornographize their lived experiences?"**<br><br>I told her: Ultimately I don't know if I'll succeed in my goals or not, but I do know this is what I want to do to help others. I can't change the fact that a man is doing this research, but I can do it in as selfless and humble a way as I can. I know that listening to women is the first step toward serving them, and that *this is their project, not mine*. And, if she wants, I can be as transparent as possible and keep her updated on everything I'm doing without exception.<br><br>**"How will you make sure that the information you gather isn't non-consensual? How will you get informed consent?"**<br><br>I told her: First, I will be interviewing women who have volunteered their time and expertise. I won't cold-contact anyone, and I'll be reaching out to organizations and asking them to share my call for participants with their community. They'll know exactly what the conversation will be about, and they'll know how their insights will be used. Second, I will be asking them for their consent at every step of the way, essentially. Before we begin the interview, we'll talk about the goals of the research and how their insights will be used. During the interview, I'll only ask questions that are relevant to the research goals (like "How do you think sex education classes should be changed to improve your sexual experiences?" or "What would you like to learn in a sex education class?"). After the interview, I'll destroy any personal contact information they give me and only keep the anonymous interview notes. And, as I said before, I'll be transparent and open about everything I do. They're welcome to ask me anything about the project or the findings at any time.<br><br>**"The students you'll be working with are between the ages of 12 and 15. How will you make sure that your research is child-friendly?"**<br><br>I told her: There are a few ways I can do this. One is that I'll never actually be speaking to or interacting with minors. I'll be asking adult women what they think should be taught to schoolchildren. Two is that I'll be interviewing women who have already experienced puberty, so they know what it's like to go through adolescence and can tell me what would have helped them at that stage. Three is that I'll be asking them about topics that are useful for minors, like body positivity, consent, and healthy relationships. And four is that my research will actually help these minors, because I'll be using it to make recommendations for how sex education classes should be changed for *their* benefit.<br><br>**"What are some common stereotypes that you think men have about fat women's sex lives?"**<br><br>I told her: I'm not sure I know all of them, and that's exactly why I'm doing these interviews. But I can think of a few. Some men think we're always promiscuous or have no standards, some men think we're frigid or asexual, and some men think we're just happy to have a man's attention and we don't care how we're treated. Some men think we have low self-esteem, some men think we have high self-esteem, and some men think that's all we ever think about. Some men think we're insecure about our weight and some men think we're confident about our weight. It's all over the place. If I knew what men really thought about us then I wouldn't have to do this research, right?<br><br>**"How will you make sure you're taking the women's interview responses at face value, and not interpreting them wrong by viewing them through the lens of masculinity?"**<br><br>I told her: I don't think I can ever *fully* take the women's responses at face value, because of course my own life experiences will influence how I process what they say. But I'll be doing my best to put aside masculine thought patterns and really listen to what they say. I've had years of training in how to do this, so I know it's possible. And I can take some steps to make it more likely. For example, I'll be doing semi-structured interviews, which means I'll have a list of questions to ask at the beginning of the interview but I'll also be following up on whatever they say with more questions. This lets *them* lead the conversation instead of me, and it lets them define their own terms and concepts instead of using definitions that *I* think are relevant. I've also read *a lot* of feminist literature and feminist critiques of masculinity, which helps me recognize when I'm falling into a patriarchal thought pattern and I can correct myself. It's not perfect, but it's the best I can do.<br><br>She seemed to be satisfied with my answers, and I think she's going to offer me the research position. Fingers crossed.<br><br>**TL;DR**: I'm a man who is trying to do research on fat women's sex lives, so I asked a colleague to interview me about my goals and methods. I think some of her questions and my answers are valuable to share.