I had a horrible dream last night and woke up in tears at 3am...

...it happens. <br><br>The dream was about an ex who was my first love and a guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. <br><br>I was 24, he was 42. We didn't work out but we remained good friends. He sent me a message on FB one day about 11 months after we broke up, and I went back over to his place. We talked and laughed and had a great time. After that, we hung out about twice a week, where we'd talk, and laugh, and we'd cuddle up on the couch and watch Urkel or The Nanny or hell, even just watch the news together, and I'd fall asleep on him every time. <br><br>It got to the point where I advanced in my job and started making good money and he was going through a rough patch in his life and I was there for him. I gave him money, food, helped him out with stuff around the house. He was my rock, my shelter, my best friend and my soulmate. <br><br>I fell in love. <br><br>I knew it. I told him. I confessed, and he rejected me. <br><br>I was devastated. I tried to still be his friend but he started to ghost me. I started dating someone else, and at the time I thought I was in love. But one night I was looking at his profile on Facebook and saw that he'd posted a photo of him and his new girlfriend. It broke me. I cried for hours and hours. I had never ever cried like that before. I just let my date go home and we broke up. He was nice enough, but he just wasn't what I wanted anymore. <br><br>I was just... sad. So sad. I cancelled plans with people, I stopped showing up to work, I stopped eating, I just drank. I'm an alcoholic at the best of times, so I took full advantage of that and drank til I could barely function. I sent him text messages and FB messages begging to be his friend again, but he didn't respond. <br><br>One day I woke up and I just felt better. I realised that I didn't need him in my life anymore. I blocked him on everything and never spoke to him again. It was hard but I did it. I moved on. <br><br>Just over a year later he contacted me to ask me how I was doing. Apologising for what happened. Telling me he was doing well. I wanted to tell him to fuck off. To die. To just fuck right off. But I didn't. I replied with small talk, telling him I was fine, that I'd moved on. I did. I replied to his text messages and I blocked him when I was done. <br><br>And I never thought about him until last night. <br><br>I dreamt that he was all of those things that he was to me all over again. And I fell in love with him all over again, in my dream. Imagine how it feels to be head over heels in love, and then imagine how it feels to wake up to harsh, cold reality. <br><br>Realising that all of those things aren't true. That he's not my rock, my shelter, my best friend or my soulmate. <br><br>I woke up crying for the first time in over a year. I cried because I missed it so bad. I want that back. I want to be able to go back to that. But I can't. <br><br>I'm going to take a long, hot bath, and I might get drunk tonight. But I'm going to survive this hangover, and that's all that matters. <br><br>I fucking hate that prick.