Same shit happens again

I was chatting with a girl for 4-5 months, her girlfriend couldn't find a job in my city (and my uni is in my city) so she wanted to find a room to live in my city and she found it in my block and I wanted to show her around and talk about rent and stuff but I really liked her and somehow I said that I want to go out with her and she agreed pretty quickly and we were getting along well and she let me kiss on the cheek and we were having a great time and they came really fast and all the shit pretty much reset itself<br><br>I hate that it was all for nothing, I hate myself for not being the one to leave and I hate them for this and I hate myself for letting this happen again and for the fact that I'm going to spend the holidays alone again and I'm never going to be able to experience Christmas in a happy family with pretty decorations and a pretty house and food, and I hate myself for pretty much everything, really.<br><br>And I'm so fucking mad at them, her "boyfriend" and her, I couldn't even sleep last night because I wanted to die and because I hated myself so much, pretty much the same shit that happened months ago.<br><br>I want to die, I hate this fucking life, I never get anything, it never goes well for me, every fucking part of my life is filled with loneliness and misery and happiness is just a fucking concept and I can't even imagine what it's like really.<br><br>And I hate them because this time I had some hope, I had some hope that I was going to be happy.