I think I'm going to be alone forever. Maybe that's okay.

Pardon me for getting on my high horse, but I would like to tell you how I feel.<br><br>I'm 40 years old. I have no friends, no one walks through the front door whether I like it or not and I'm single. <br><br><br>I've been thinking about it. I'm not talking about the will to end it all, no, absolutely not. But, I've been thinking about being single forever. I know it may sound pathetic or crybaby or whatever, but it's what I feel.<br><br>I'm single, and I think I'm gonna be single forever. I think about going to the grave, maybe with a partner, but I think that may be too much to ask. I'll always be alone in my bed at night. My bed was made for two, I thought two would lay in it. I'm by myself now, and I'll die alone. <br><br>I think about my grave, where I'll be buried, how green the grass may grow over my remains and how people will forget I ever existed. Just like I'll be yesterday's news when I go through the gates of pearl. I'll go out with a whimper, and not a bang.<br><br>I don't even know if I'm worthy of love. I am a broken, broken vessel, with too many holes. I'm weary and worn. I'm old, my face is beginning to rot and my left eye is becoming a lazy eye. I'm not perfect, nor am I pristine. I'm only good for maybe a quick fuck before I'm used up and discarded. I'm no prize to be won, but something to be discarded. I'm no treasure, no gem, no coin of value, but something to be thrown away like yesterday's garbage. <br><br>I look in the mirror, and I don't see a person staring back at me. I don't know what I am anymore. I know I'm a member of this species, and I know I'm sentient and self-aware. I'm alive, and breathed, but I don't know what I am anymore. I'm not what I was years ago, I'm not the naive girl I thought I was going to be. I'm a shell of a person, devoid of a soul and a spirit. I'm but a hollow husk. I'm a cardboard cutout of a person. <br><br>I don't know if I have any self worth left anymore. I've tried to build it up, to build up my confidence and my worth. I was doing so well, until I was ghosted by a man I loved. Yes, I loved him. I know it's crazy, maybe even stupid, but I loved him, truly. I loved every moment we spent together, and I loved his touch, his caress, even his temper. I knew he didn't deserve me, I knew I deserved better, but I loved him anyway. Maybe it's pathetic, but I loved him with all my heart. <br><br><br>I know he was a bad man, I don't hold that against him. Maybe it's naive or a bad defense mechanism, but I believed him when he said he loved me. I believe him when he whispers sweet-nothings in my ear and when he told me I was beautiful, and that he loved my body. I knew he didn't deserve me, maybe I didn't even deserve him, but we were two broken souls that just clicked. That's how love works, after all.<br><br>But when he dumped me, I knew I was over. I think about going to his grave one day. I hope he has a family one day, and that he's as happy as a clam. Maybe his wife will be beautiful, maybe she'll be thin and young. Maybe she'll be from a good family, and maybe she'll be clever and wise, maybe she'll be everything I'm not. Maybe he'll love her with all his heart. I hope he'll be happy, and that they'll have lots of children and grandchildren together. I want his children to be fat and happy, maybe they'll even be geniuses, who knows. I hope he'll live a long life, one that'll be respectable and good.<br><br>My life's been no such thing. I was broken as a child, and maybe I was always broken. I was born cracked, maybe even before I came out the womb. I don't know how to fix it either. I just don't want to live anymore, I think. Sometimes I think about going to the bridge, maybe jumping off and going into the water, maybe ending it all. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do, I just don't think I'm worthy of death. I just don't know what to do, maybe I'll just keep on keeping on. <br><br><br>I have no friends, and I know I'll die alone. I think I'm getting used to it, maybe I've gotten used to it. I just don't know what to do anymore, or if I even want to do anything. I just feel like I want to be left alone. I know no one is knocking on my door, but I want to be left alone. I don't want to be bothered anymore. I just want to be left alone. I want to be by myself with my thoughts, and maybe I'll be happy with that. Maybe I'll think about it more, maybe less. I may think about it more as time goes on, but I don't know if I think about it too much anymore. <br><br>I just know I'm broken.