I may get downvoted for this, but I'm a woman and I hate myself

Practically every other woman I've spoken to has been so bitchy. I've realized I am just as bitchy and a worthless person. I've always thought I was A) a bitch but of the enclosed type and B) better than the women around me because I wasn't mean to people, i was just a loner. I recently realized that I am the bitchy woman that every guy fears to speak to bc I am inconsiderate. I'm currently in a relationship. My bf really likes me and he is willing to stick with me. He is one of the most unconditionally loving people I know and yet I am not the best girlfriend. I don't have a job. I don't go to school. I try to go to therapy but I don't show up. I am self destructive with my eating habits. I feel really depressed all the time but I know I am better than this. I know this is a chamber for people to vent about women that did them wrong, but I am a woman who wronged people. I am a woman that I hate. I wish I was dead.