I had sex with my older brother when I was 16. Even though it was a one-time thing, it has scarred me for life

I was 16 and my brother was 25. He got out of a pretty bad marriage and he needed a place to stay. Our parents had lost their house and had to move to a different state, so they couldn't take him in. The only place he could stay was with me. He moved into my second floor apartment in our complexes and the two of us shared a bedroom. It was a little awkward, but he didn't have any other options and I felt bad for him.<br><br>At the time, I was slightly overweight, but I was getting in better shape a little bit every day. It was obvious that I had a crush on him even though he was a lot older than me. I didn't want to admit it even to myself, but he was extremely attractive. He was tall and strong, but lean and well defined. Even though he was a lot older than me, he looked even better than he did when he was in his teens and early 20s. He would often work out for long periods of time and he had no problem going without a shirt.<br><br>I remember the first time I saw my brother in nothing but a pair of jeans. I tried my best to ignore him. I was watching TV on my computer and I didn't want him to know that I was looking at him. It was obvious that he was well aware that I was attracted to him and he never did anything to stop me from seeing him in partial states of nudity. Even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn't help but steal as many glances as I could. He had no problem walking around the apartment in nothing but his boxers. One day, he even walked out of the bathroom with only a towel on.<br><br>Even though he would often walk around in his underwear, I had no problem sharing a bed with him. I didn't know what else to do and I really had no choice in the matter. I did my best to make sure that I was asleep before him and I never made an attempt to get too close to him while we were both in bed.<br><br>I don't know if my brother ever really wanted to have sex with me or if he was just tired, but one night, something happened that changed my life forever. I was asleep when he came to bed. All I remember was a hand going down my underwear and a finger entering me. I was obviously shocked and I tried my best to fight back, but my brother was way too strong. I tried to bite him, but he grabbed my hair and said that if I didn't stop resisting that he would hurt me more than he had to. I didn't know what to do, so I just held perfectly still. He grabbed my hips and pulled me underneath him. Even though I was scared to death, I knew that I had to comply.<br><br>My brother pulled my underwear off and he got on top of me. Even though I was scared and I was crying, I was somehow able to keep still. I remember feeling a lot of pain as he entered me. It was the worst pain that I had ever felt. I couldn't help but cry and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop moving. I tried to fight back, but like I said before, I was no match for him. I tried my best to just focus on the pain and I tried to convince myself that it would be over soon.<br><br>As I was in a lot of pain and I was scared to death, I tried to convince myself that it would be over soon. It seemed like an eternity, but somehow, I was eventually able to calm down a little bit. My brother eventually rolled off of me and he looked at me with a mixture of embarrassment and guilt. Even though I was scared to death and I was crying, I tried my best to convince myself that it was over. I grabbed my underwear, threw my pants on, and I left his apartment as quickly as I could.<br><br>I didn't stop running until I got to a park that was a few blocks away from my apartment. I sat on a bench and I cried for God knows how long. I was scared and confused and I didn't know what to do. I eventually calmed down a bit and I went to the nearest liquor store to buy some liquor. I didn't really care what kind it was as long as it was strong. I eventually found some coconut rum and I bought as much of it as I could carry. I drank it in the parking lot and I eventually got too drunk to walk. A few hours later when I was pretty much passed out, some police picked me up. I don't know what they thought I was on, but they took me to a hospital to have my blood tested. The next thing I remember, I was sitting in a jail cell with a pounding headache and not very much clothing on. I didn't know what to think. I was scared and I was confused. I didn't know how I had gotten there or why I was there in the first place.<br><br>I stayed in that jail cell for God knows how long. Eventually, a female cop came over and she said I was being released without any charges. I didn't know why, but I was too scared to ask any questions. They eventually called a taxi for me and they gave me some clothes to wear. I was still a bit drunk, so I went straight to my room and I went to sleep.<br><br>After that night, I became a bit of a hermit. Even though I was really scared of him, I couldn't avoid my brother forever. He looked worried when I came back to the apartment that we shared. He asked me if I was okay and he apologized for what he did. I didn't even answer him. I didn't know what to say. I eventually went back to work and I tried to act like everything was normal, but I couldn't stop thinking about the incident. I couldn't even begin to describe the pain and the fear that I felt while I was being raped. It wasn't just the physical pain that scarred me for life. It was the mental and emotional pain that I don't think I will ever be able to overcome. Even though I act like a normal person, I don't think that I will ever be able to overcome the trauma of that night.<br><br>I eventually tried to get over it by hooking up with random people. I met a lot of different guys and I had a lot of one night stands. Even though I was having a lot of sex, I was never instigated any of it. I never had any interest in sex and I never felt any pleasure. No matter how hard I tried, I wasn't able to stop thinking about my brother. No matter where I was or who I was with, it was always the same. I could never focus on anything but my brother. I would always picture him on top of me no matter how hard I tried to block out the image.<br><br>Even though I had a lot of different partners, I never really dated. I don't think that I'm ever going to be able to open myself up to another person again. It doesn't matter how nice they are or how understanding they are. I'm always going to be scared and I'm never going to be able to trust anyone. Even though I try my best to be a normal person, I don't think that I will ever be able to overcome the trauma of that night. I do my best to act as normally as I can even though I'm constantly scared. It doesn't matter what I do or where I am. I'm always on edge. I will always be looking over my shoulder and I will always be expecting my brother to attack me at any second.<br><br>I know that I'll never be the same person that I was before that happened. No matter what I do, nothing will ever change what happened. There's nothing I can do and there's nothing that I can say that will ever make me feel better. I know that I will never be able to overcome the trauma of that night. It doesn't matter how bad I want to be a normal person again. I will never be able to go back to the way that I was before.