My husband was a gimp and I want to feel wanted again

My husband and I had a _very_ unusual relationship. He would suit up in a full body rubber gimp suit and I would abuse him. <br><br>He would dehumanize himself by not speaking and just making noises. I would treat him like a dog but the weirdest part was that he would eat his own shit. <br><br>I would feed it to him in a bowl or make him search for it. It was embarrassing but I loved him so much so I let him keep doing it. <br><br>He died 3 months ago in a work accident. I was and still am devastated. It’s made me feel so alone and unwanted. <br><br>I feel guilty asking for any other type of affection from anyone because I know it won’t be the same. I just want to feel wanted and loved again. <br><br>And if anyone has any advice on how to clean gimp suits, it would be greatly appreciated.