It took me 40 years to get here. Please don't close the door.

I've always dreamed of going to medical school. As a child, I would watch old VHS tapes of surgeries. My parents bought me a subscription to a children's encyclopedia, and I devoured the human anatomy section. I spent hours playing with my anatomy model, practicing where incisions would go. It wasn't until college that I realized my dream was unattainable. I had no money, no time, and no support system. I went on to pursue a career as a nurse practitioner, and even though I loved my job, it was a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough to be a doctor. The years went by in a blur. I got married, had kids, got divorced, and remarried. I finally started saving money for medical school, but then the pandemic hit, and I had to put my dreams on hold again. But I refused to give up. I took out loans, I studied late into the night, and I applied to any medical school that would have me. Three weeks ago, I opened my email to find the letter I had been waiting for my whole life. I got into medical school. After all the late nights, loans, and lost relationships, I finally made it. This weekend, my family flew out for my white coat ceremony. We stayed in a hotel, and afterwards we went out for dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant. We laughed, reminisced, and celebrated my accomplishment. When we got back to the hotel, we decided to walk around the block. My mom hadn't been this happy or carefree in years. My daughter was beaming with pride. My son was teasing us all and making inappropriate jokes. My husband was holding my hand. And then the accident happened. I don't remember much. I was crossing the street, and the next thing I knew, I was in the ICU. A tube was down my throat, and my arms and legs were restrained so I wouldn't rip anything out. I was in and out of consciousness for what felt like days. Every time I woke up, I would see my family standing around me and crying. I would try to talk, but all that would come out were groans. The last time I woke up, I saw a woman in a white coat standing over me. I tried to talk again, but this time something came out. "Water," I croaked. "Don't try to talk, you have a breathing tube in. I'm going to give you some water, and then I have to talk to your husband about your living will." She put a straw to my lips and I gulped greedily. "Can you hear me?" she asked. I tried to nod, but my neck was in a brace. I managed a slight murmur. "My name is Dr. Sharma. Your husband is going to come in here and talk to me about your wishes. We're going to give you something for the pain, and then you're going to go to sleep. You've suffered a severe brain injury and aren't going to wake up. Do you understand?" I managed another weak "yes." "You have 10 minutes to talk to your husband. After that, we're going to start the euthanasia process." The doctor walked out the door, and my husband walked in. He was dirty, had bags under his eyes, and looked like he hadn't showered in a week. He broke down crying as soon as he saw me. "How are you... Why are you awake?" He managed to get out. I tried to talk, but the tube was still in my throat. My husband took out a piece of paper and pen and put it in my hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't listen to you. You told me you didn't want this. I shouldn't have-" I scribbled on the piece of paper, my writing barely legible. "I know you're in there. Please come back." More scribbling. "You are the love of my life. Our kids need you. I need you. Please don't go." My eyes were starting to droop, and my hand was starting to go numb. I scribbled as much as I could. "I know you have to go. But I want you to be Happy. Take care of the kids, and find someone else to love. You're an amazing man, and this chapter of your life is over. I'm so proud of the mother I was able to be. Our kids are kind, smart, and beautiful. I know you will make the right decisions for them. I'm sorry for putting a strain on our marriage this last year. I know I wasn't present for you or the kids, and for that, I am eternally sorry. I was just so close to getting here. I'm so happy I got to experience it, even if it was for just a day. Please take the money in my savings account and move to a big city. You and the kids need a fresh start. And please remarry. You deserve someone who will be there for you. I love you more than life itself." My vision started to fade away, but just as it did, I saw my husband break down and cry. Oh shit. I was in my white coat, and my family was still in the hotel room. I looked around frantically. Where was I? What city was I in? How was I going to get to medical school? As I looked around, I realized I was in an airport. I ran up the escalator to the departures gate, scanning the different options. Atlanta. San Diego. New York. Chicago. I had no idea where any of my suitcases were, or what time my flight was. I tried to remember the name of the airport I was flying out of, but it was gone. Just as I was about to lose hope, I saw it. "Med School Carpool - 4:30 PM" It was a piece of paper taped to a suitcase, with a bunch of cars and phone numbers scribbled on it. It had to be a sign. I ripped off the paper, shoved it in my pocket, and grabbed the suitcase. I made it to the carpool just in time. We introducd ourselves, and I learned that the other four students were all in their early 20s. I was thrilled to have made new friends. I rode in the front seat, and we chatted the whole time. When we got to the dorms, we went out for beers to celebrate. I told them about my white coat ceremony, and we all hugged. I went back to my dorm room, barely able to stay awake. I was so happy. I made it. I did it. I passed out almost immediately. The next morning, I woke up to my mom calling me. "Why didn't you call me? Are you okay? Did you get there okay?" "Sorry. I had carpool, and then we went out for drinks. I'll call you later today." "Those must be some really good friends you made if you're already out drinking." "We just wanted to celebrate." "Well, please be careful. And take care of yourself. You're going to be working a lot." "I love you." "I love you too, sweetie. Please call me later today." I hung up the phone,looking around the room. Where was I? What was happening? I stood up, looking around frantically. I was in a hotel room. My suitcase was open on the floor. My phone rang again. This time it was my daughter. "Mom, did you get there okay? How was your carpool?" "Carpool? What carpool?" "You know, your carpool to med school." "I'm... um... I'm in a hotel room. Your father and I went out for dinner, and then we went for a walk. You know, to get some air." "Oh, yeah. I remember now. Did you get lost on the way?" "No, I know exactly where I am. I just... What time is it?" "It's 10:00 AM. Oh my gosh, I have to go. My flight is boarding." "Don't worry about it. I just wish we could have spent more time together." "I love you, mom. I'll talk to you soon." "I love you too." I hung up the phone, looking around the hotel room again. Why was my daughter flying? Where was she going? The hotel room started to fade away as my eyesight started to blur. Oh shit. When my vision came back, I was back in the airport. I was frantically looking at all the different departure times when I heard a voice. "You okay? You look a little lost." I looked over to see a handsome young man with a kind face. "I'm trying to get to med school. I don't know where any of my stuff is or what time my flight is." "My carpool is leaving at 4:30 PM. We have an extra seat if you want to ride with us." I looked at the piece of paper taped to his suitcase. "Med School Carpool - 4:30 PM" I smiled. "I'd love to."

It took me 40 years to get here. Please don't close the door.

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