I've been feeling really useless lately. I'm starting to feel like it's time for me to die.

So first off, a little background. I'm the oldest of three. Not middle-child-syndrome oldest; "pretty much only child" oldest. My sister was born when I was 13, and my brother when I was 15. I was an only child for the first quarter of my life, and I had a very strong relationship with my parents. They were my best friends growing up, though they were sort of overprotective. I wasn't allowed to get a part time job my senior year, but they would take me out to dinner every week and a play/trivia night once a month. <br><br>Fast forward a few years, I'm in college, my mom is pregnant with my sister. I still had a great relationship with my family, and my parents were the main reason I was in college. I was the first in my family to go to college, and I'm not sure what I want to study yet, so I'm taking gen eds and trying to figure it out. My parents were covering most of my expenses, I had a part time job and a full time scholarship. <br><br>My mom has my sister, and she got post partum depression. Like really bad. She stopped going to her weekly book club, and stopping going to dinner and the symphony, and my dad was less busy with work because the economy was in a recession and he was spending a lot of time at home. I wasn't as needed as much. My parents relationship was suffering, and my mom's PPD was making her very irritable with me. I applied to a bunch of jobs in my hometown, but none of them were hiring. I stayed in my college town, and had dinner with my parents every week and went home on the weekends. <br><br>Then my mom had my brother. My dad got really busy with work, and my mom was still dealing with PPD. I applied to every job I could in my hometown, and I landed one at a local restaurant. I moved back home. My dad was always at work, and my mom was always busy. I was helping out, babysitting, picking up my siblings, cooking dinner, etc. <br><br>My mom's PPD went away, she started going out again, I was included in none of the activities. I was the babysitter. I was the cook. I was the chauffeur. I was helping out, because they really needed the help. My sister was jealous that I was getting so much attention, my brother was a baby and didn't even know I existed. My parents were just too busy to spend quality time with me. <br><br>That was a few years ago. I'm still living with them. They're not busy anymore. My mom got a great job in the admin department of some company, my dad started a business. I'm still expected to do all of the housework, drive the kids around, cook dinner, help with homework, etc. If I don't do it, no one will, so I do it. I'm the only one who does it. My parents are too busy to spend time with me, my siblings don't even know what to do when I'm around. They're always asking my mom for things. They don't talk to me anymore. <br><br>So the other day I was talking to my mom, and I said "I'm feeling really useless lately". And she said "Why? I thought you and the kids were getting along well". <br><br>I was taken aback by the response. It made no sense. But the more I think about it, the more I think I'm right. I'm feeling useless because I'm not needed. My parents are off living their lives together, my siblings are kids and they don't need me. What the hell am I even doing? If I were to just disappear, it would be a minor inconvenience for a month or so, and then my parents would just hire some babysitters/chefs/chauffeurs/cleaners. <br><br>I don't feel needed, I don't feel wanted, I don't feel valued. I've been feeling suicidal lately, and that just made it all make sense. I think it's time for me to go. <br><br>&#x200B;