I just want to be fat again.

Long post, sorry. I’ve been gaining lately after a pretty big weight loss, and it’s made me realize how much I miss being fat. I’ve had a lot of different weight ranges in my life: I was thin as a kid (I looked sickly thin actually my body is not meant for being skinny haha), then I got fat, then I got thin, then I got fat, then I got really fat, and now I’m just fat. In the moment, I’m realizing that I miss being fat. I miss how I felt. I miss my confidence, I miss how I looked. I miss the way I laughed, the way I walked. I miss having a fat stomach and a big belly. I miss how big my thighs were and how I had to walk the stairs carefully. I miss everything. I also miss the way my partner would touch me, look at me, kiss me, hug me. I miss having my legs grabbed and my belly poked and being called chubby and having my thighs squeezed. I miss our special moments, when it was hot and we were both sweaty and we would sit on the couch and our thighs would stick together. I miss my thighs rubbing against each other, I miss my fat arms. I miss the way that my stomach would look in a bikini, I miss how my fat folds would look when I wore a tank top. I miss the way that jeans fit me. I miss my biggest jeans, the size 14s. I miss having elastic waistbands. I want to gain, I want to eat more. I want to be chubby. I want to eat all the time, I want to be hungry. I want to get fat. I’m tired of my stomach being flat, I’m tired of being able to see my ribcage. I’m tired of having jeans fit me. I am a fat woman, and I am proud of it. I will always be a fat woman, no matter what, and I will always love myself and my body. I am beautiful. I am confident. I am strong. I am fierce. I am powerful. I am fat. And it’s okay for me to want more, to want to be fat, to want to be chubby. I am fat, but I am not my body. My body is mine, and I will do what I want with it. And if that is being fat, that’s okay. I am fat, and I am proud.

I just want to be fat again.

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