You way or the highway (but not in the way you think)

I’m driving down the highway on a pleasant afternoon when I see a large, old car parked on the side of the road. It’s being driven by a friendly looking old man with a bushy white beard and sunglasses. He’s waving at me and motioning me over, and his license plate reads “CLUNK3R.” I pull over and ask him what’s up.<br><br>“Oh, not much,” he says. “My car is in a bit of disrepair, as you can see.” I look at his car and see that the paint job is chipped in several places, there are a few dents, and the bumper is loose. <br><br>“Yeah, I can see that,” I reply. <br><br>“Well,” he says, “if you can answer my riddle, I’ll let you in on a little secret: this car can go infinitely fast. All you have to do is answer correctly, and whenever you get in this car, you’ll be able to go as fast as you want, wherever you want.” I’m a bit skeptical, but I figure I can spare a minute, and I’d love to be able to go infinitely fast whenever I pleased.<br><br>“Ok,” I say. “I’m ready, hit me with it.”<br><br>“Here’s the riddle: What can go up and down, but never actually moves?”<br><br>I furrow my brow and make a few guesses, but none of them are correct. Finally, the old man tells me the answer: “Your age. It can go up and down, but it never actually moves. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere to be.” <br><br>He peels out, leaving me in his dust, and I realize just how fast he’s going when I see him disappear over the horizon in just a few seconds. I swear under my breath, hop in my car, and continue driving down the road. After a while, I realize just how slow I’m going in comparison to the old man, and I start to get a little annoyed at how slow everyone else in the world is. <br><br>Eventually, I decide to pull over at a fast food restaurant for a bite to eat. I park, walk in, and approach the register. There’s a long line, and the cashier is working at a snail’s pace. I start tapping my foot impatiently as the people in front of me order at glacial speeds. I finally get to the front of the line and place my order, taking it to go so I can get back on the road quickly. <br><br>When I get out to my car, I realize I forgot to grab ketchup, and I have to go all the way back inside. I swear under my breath as I walk in, and the door opens way too slowly. I approach the condiment station and realize they don’t have any ketchup packets. I have to go to the front and ask the cashier, who tells me they’re in the back. <br><br>I swear again as I go in the back, and the door creaks as it slowly opens. When I get the ketchup, I have to walk all the way back out to my car again. I toss the ketchup in the passenger seat, hop in, and turn the key in the ignition. As I’m backing out, I knock over a lightpost, and I have to stop and pick it up. <br><br>As I’m picking it up, I see the same old man with the bushy white beard walking toward me out of the corner of my eye. When I turn around, I see him in the same car as before, with the same license plates. <br><br>“What the hell, dude,” I say. “You sped past me back there, and I just saw you walking toward me. Where the hell did you go and how the hell did you get here so fast?”<br><br>“You took the highway,” he says. <br><br>I’m taken aback. “I’m in a parking lot,” I reply. <br><br>“Ah,” he says. “Well then, I suppose you aren’t.” He steps aside and motions behind him. When I look, I see a highway. <br><br>“Where the hell did that come from?”<br><br>“I told you, you took the highway. Whenever you’re in a hurry, you unconsciously take the highway. Unfortunately, the highway can be a bitch, and today it decided to fuck with you.” <br><br>He gets in his car and peels out again, leaving me dumbfounded in the parking lot.