Six years. It feels like forever ago. I went through the hardest years of my life for nothing.

I was 18 when I met him. He was 38, he's 45 now. I'm 24. I'm just going through so many emotions and memories right now I don't know why but I thought I could get a little support from here.<br>Six years. How did it take me six years to fathom the depth of how I felt about him? I ended up an alcoholic, depressed, mentally unstable and unhealthy. My relationship ended, my parents and siblings don't ever want to see me again. I've spent 2 whole years just focusing on improving myself and my life but now it's coming back I don't know why. It hurts like it was yesterday.<br>We were in love. I thought so anyway. I thought he loved me too. At first, I mean. We were still in the beginning stages of our relationship. We were married 3 months later! I was still a teenager!<br>Six years. It takes a long time for memories to fade away. But it doesn't mean they actually do. They stay as well as the feelings you have of them. I was just suddenly sat there thinking of him for the first time in so long. I miss him. I haven't seen him in 2 and a half years. I miss him so much. So so so much. I'd do anything for him.<br>I was so young at the time we're talking about this in the years I was with him. But when we got married a year after he changed. He used to say these remarks like they were a joke but to me, they really weren't. So many things brought on my insecurities I've never been so insecure in my life. How did it take me six years to fathom the depth of how I felt about him? I spent two years of my life in therapy for PTSD. I was addicted to alcohol so I went to rehab after I overdosed on it. I suffer with mental health issues. I'm just so done. I fathom it for the first time and it just hits me I don't love him. I don't love him. <br>So now I'm crying. How did I not see this for six years?! I've ruined my own life for a man, I fathom it for the first time and now I'm in a state. I can't tell anyone. I don't have anyone. <br><br>So here I am. Thanks for listening. Just needed someone to talk to.