I met my savior and I want to find him again.

The year was 2016. I was in my the first year of college and my friend and I went on spring break to a popular beach town called South Padre Island, Texas. The beach had a different vibe that I was used to ( I am from California) but in a weird way it was fun. The sand was dirty and the water was not clear but I was in college and it didn’t matter I was on spring break. <br><br>The first night we went to one of the parties on the beach. We were drinking and I don’t know what happened but I blacked out. I woke up in my hotel hallway by myself. I had no idea how I got there. I was very scared. I was so glad I had my hotel card. I looked myself over to make sure nothing was wrong. I looked inside my hotel room and saw my friend. I asked her what happened the whole night and she told me “You were with some guy that you met and then we never saw you again”. <br><br>I was so mad that she didn’t find me she just left me. I was so scared. For someone to have taken me while I was drunk then to just leave me in the hotel hallway was terrifying. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night. I didn’t leave her side the rest of the trip. <br><br>I never forgot that night. I have thought about it a lot since then. I am so glad nothing bad happened to me. I am so glad I woke up by myself in my hotel. But now I am pregnant. I am having a baby. I am so glad I was not raped that night. I think about what if. I would not be here if something bad happened to me. I keep thinking about my kids. What if I had missed out on my kids because of that night. I was not ready to have kids I wasn’t even thinking about that. But I got pregnant in 2018. Now I have two kids and I am thinking about that night all the time I met this guy and I was so drunk and I had no idea what happened. I keep thinking about what if I got pregnant that night? I never saw the guy again but he is my kids’ dad. <br><br>I am mad I didn’t know I was pregnant. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was over 5 months. It was hard for me to accept I was pregnant. I didn’t even know I was dating the guy. I didn’t even know his name. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t even know it was possible for me to get pregnant. <br><br>I know I was supposed to be a mom now. I know it is my job. I am trying my best. But I am mad my kids don’t have a dad. I am mad I don’t know their dads name. I was so drunk I didn’t even know I was having sex. I was so drunk I didn’t know I got pregnant. <br><br>I just met this guy and now he is the dad of my kids. I never saw him again but he is in my life every day. I never want to meet him again but I want to know if he has ever thought about me since then. I know he didn’t know I got pregnant. I know it is all my fault that I didn’t get an abortion. I was so unsure. I was so confused but I was happy to have someone to love. I am so happy to have my babies. I do think about the guy but I want him to leave me alone. I am glad he doesn’t know I got pregnant. I am glad he left me alone in my hotel room. <br><br>He doesn’t deserve to know about my kids. But I had to tell him how he hurt me. I am glad he didn’t hurt my body. But he hurt me. He hurt my life. He hurt my kids. I know it is all my fault. But I want him to know I never forgot him. I want him to know that even though he didn’t hurt me physically he hurt me in other ways. I want him to know he is not a good guy. I want him to know he is the reason why I am struggling. <br><br>I am overwhelmed having kids. I want a break. I want help. I wish he was here. I wish he helped me. But I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him to know he is the dad. I don’t want him to know how much he hurt me. I just want him to know that I am not the same person I was before I met him.