How do you truly stay blackpilled and not unplug?

I did a lot of research, I digested blackpill, I know that it’s over. I knew the truth, I took it in. I know this is it. Women are hypergamous, they’re shallow, they don’t care about me, they don’t want me. They wouldn’t give me a chance, they’d laugh at me. I’ve accepted this, I know I’ve lost, I’m a loser, I’m nothing. I’m complete garbage. But I keep getting this glimmer of hope. I keep thinking that I can change how I look, I can get better. I can be successful, I can get a nice job and be confident, I can game, I can talk to girls, and then I did. I went out, I talked to a girl, and she talked to me, and I thought I was a normal person. I thought I was like everyone else. But I’m not. I know I’m not. I’m a loser. I’m complete garbage. I’m nothing. I know she was just being nice, I know she’ll never want me, I know I’m not going to be one of the cool guys. I know I’m not one of them, I’m not a chad, I’m not a normal person. I’m just trash. I know she’ll never want me. So now I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to pretend to be something I’m not, I’m angry that I have to play pretend, I’m angry that I’m not normal, I’m angry that I’m not one of them, I’m angry. But then I get over it, and I get depressed. I get silent. I get sad, I get reclusive, I get lonely, I get hollow, I get nothing. Then it happens again. I get that glimmer of hope, I try, I fail, and then I give up again. This is my life cycle. I know it’s true, I know the blackpill is real. But I can’t stop trying. Why? How do I stop trying? How do I get over it? How do I cope? How do I stop? I don’t want to live like this. I want to die. How do you stay blackpilled and stay alive?