I'm not lonely I find the thought of being with someone to be unbearable

I found myself losing my virginity out of a sense of duty. I was 16 at the time. I was literally told "I thought we would have had sex by now" I literally had no idea I was expected to have sex at my age and suffice it to say I have an Oedipus complex because I was ashamed of my body, you see my first sexual experience was with an attractive blonde girl. <br><br>She was disgusted by me. So yeah, that was the last time I ever have sex. I have never had any success in that regard. It's a good thing I'm not some loser neckbeard who is angry about it, instead I am just...detached from it. I feel that it is not for me.<br><br>These past few months I have been reflecting on me as a person and my...insecurities. I find that I am not interested in dating for the same reasons I am disgusted by...my own existence, you see my biggest fear is intimacy. I don't want an existential leap with someone. I would feel unclean in that regard. I feel that it is not for me.<br><br>I would say that I am a good person, you see I am kind to everyone, generous and a consummate professional at work. My biggest distress is how I have to be around people all day, I suffice it to say I have an intense disdain for social interaction. I can't even say the word "Hi" properly. I would feel unclean in that regard.<br><br>I know I deserve someone I love and I'm not exactly a hard luck case. I know I have an intense disdain for social interaction but I feel that I am a lot like Frankenstein's monster, if I could make...a girlfriend for instance, I would be disgusted by her. I feel that...it is not for me.<br><br>But I would say that I am a romantic at heart, you see I have this ideal for the right girl. She has to be a steroid using bodybuilder with a large chest. I would feel comfortable with that. But the problem is I don't want to meet her, suffice it to say I am not social and it would be unclean for me to...meet her. I would not feel comfortable in that regard.<br><br>If I were to meet my ideal I would feel unclean but I am also interested. I've always wanted to have a romantic partner. I just...can't suffice it to say I have an intense disdain for social interaction and most of all I would feel ashamed.<br><br>I would say instead of lying in a ditch I would rather die. Die on your feet rather than live on your knees. Or perhaps not feel anything and be numb to the world or perhaps you could go full gregorian.