I came very close to relapsing last night. I want to open up about what happened.

For anyone who doesn't know, I'm in a very difficult time and very close to ending my life. I don't really have a job, I'm being kicked out in 3-6 months, and I'm being sued. I've always felt like I'm a total failure in life, but now its become apparent to the rest of the world. I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately, I'd even say more than ever before. I'm living off of my last paycheck ever, and just waiting for the 3-6 months to be up so I can kill myself. My main priority right now is figuring out the best way to do so, and I've concluded I'm going to overdose. I've been sober from heroin and xanax for 10 months now. <br><br>Last night a guy I know messaged me and said he had some pills. I asked what kind. He said he didn't know, but he'd give me some for free. I was skeptical and didn't believe him. Then he sent me a picture of a very large bag of pills. I was shocked. I've always hated taking pills I don't know the name of, but I really didn't care at this point. I asked him how much he wanted, he said he just wanted my number so his friend could sell him guns. I said okay, but only if I come and get them right now. He said okay, so I got in my car and drove over to him (he lives 20 minutes away).<br><br>On my way to him, something told me this was a trap. I didn't know if he was being serious, or if I was going to get popped. I turned my Bright Headlights on (this was around 10:00pm) and shined them on my license plate and put my dome light on to see if there were any cops following me. There were none. I continued driving. <br><br>I pulled up to his house, no cops in sight. I walked up to his door and knocked. He wasn't home. I texted him. He said he was having an emergency and had to go to the hospital. I couldn't believe this. I had literally risked my freedom to get these pills and he wasn't even home. I had given him my license plates numbers, color, make, and all that. For all I knew he was setting me up. <br><br>I drove home. I was very upset and pissed off. I couldn't believe I had risked my freedom for nothing, and that I was still sober. I was angry that I had to spend 20 minutes driving there for nothing. It was 10:30 now. I had to work 8am-2pm the next day, and I didn't have any drugs. I was so upset. I thought about traps, warrants, cops waiting at my door, my license plate number being wrote down by the cops. I thought about the whole system and how I just almost got caught. I thought about the consequences of getting caught.<br><br>I went upstairs, got in bed and was just thinking. I realized this system we're living in is fucked up, so I'm going to continue to smoke my weed, get high, and get over it. I read a few comments for this post and realized I was making a dumb decision. I realized what I was doing was wrong, and I had come too far to throw my life away for some pills. I realized that maybe this is a test. Maybe this is a test to see if I still enjoy getting high after 10 months of sobriety. Maybe this is a test to see if I'd throw away my entire life for some pills I didn't even know the name of. <br><br>I'm currently having a minor crisis right now, but what happened last night made me realize that everything is gonna be okay. Its all about perspective. I don't think I'll ever relapse into drugs.