Only Mystics Are Real Atheists

Cross-posted from r/Mysticism and r/Trueoffmychest.<br><br>I started to suspect that I had recently become a pantheist after a mystic experience in 2018. The thing is, that I already thought of myself as a staunch atheist - I have since come to realize that mystics are the only people who can be truly consistent materialist atheists. As a mystic, I am an atheist because I consider it impossible to believe in atheism without having had an actual experience of reality/root-being/whatnot. This is why mystic atheists often seem as fervent in their beliefs as theists.<br><br>This will be long and meandering because I have to give my personal background/root cause for taking the path I've been on for the last six years and I will frequently meander from one subject to another because this isn't an attempt at writing a philosophy paper, but a way for me to work through and clearly express my worldview. I will heavily rely on poetry to convey ideas and will use somewhat unknown historical terms for concepts. I will be referencing the philosophies of various historical figures, texts, and traditions, but I am not a philosopher and am heavily simplifying ideas to be able to encompass as much material as possible.<br><br>\-----------<br><br>In 2018 I was involved in a very serious traffic accident involving a pedestrian who was crossing the street against the light as I was turning right. Even though I had slowed down to about 10 km/h and honked my horn, she didn't see me. I had very little time to react, so I drove into the only gap between parked cars and braked as hard as possible to avoid getting T-boned by the car behind me. The pedestrian was thrown to the ground and the impact was severe enough to shatter the windshield of my car.<br><br>I did not think of her initial reaction. I immediately became worried about the police and the insurance company; I am a/root was a lazy university student and as a poor student I didn't have the money to pay for the damages myself. I was very selfishly mostly worried about getting a fine or having my license revoked and missing the next few weeks of university.<br><br>After thoroughly answering the questions of the police and taking some time to collect myself in my car, I went to check on the pedestrian. I saw that she had blood on her face and was sitting on the ground crying. She was in a lot of pain and her boyfriend was standing over her, glaring at me and telling her to press charges. After a while, the ambulance arrived and took her to the hospital. The police told me that she would most likely have severe brain damage and never be able to walk again.<br><br>As I was standing there, waiting for everything to get resolved so that I could go home, I suddenly felt really cold and weak and had to lean on my car to keep from falling over. My vision became blurry and I felt as if I was being slowly lifted out of my body. Everything became more and more unreal and distant. I thought that the accident must have been worse than I thought and that I must have suffered severe injuries which I couldn't yet feel because of adrenaline. I remember thinking that I was going to die, which caused me a lot of fear and panic.<br><br>When the paramedics were ready with me, they helped me into the ambulance and drove me to the hospital, where they did a series of tests to figure out what was wrong with me. After I waited for what felt like hours for the results, they finally told me that I was completely unharmed and that my symptoms were just a result of stress. They offered to let me stay until I felt better, but I decided to just go home.<br><br>The entire day I couldn't shake off the feeling of fear and dread that had overcome me. At the time I didn't realize it, but I think that it was the result of the accident being a stark reminder that my own death was an inevitable reality and that it could happen at any time. But now I realize that this fear and dread were due to me being really close to dying.<br><br>The accident shook me to my core and made me re-evaluate my life. I noticed that I was living a life which wasn't truly mine and that I was stuck in a state of apathy. I was going through the motions of being a student, but I wasn't really putting any effort into my studies and more or less coasting towards getting a degree which I didn't even really want in the first place. When I reflected on my life, I realized that it was built on really superficial stuff. The things I valued the most in life were my social status, my appearance, my wealth, and my contacts. I was in a really committed long-distance relationship, but she was the only truly positive thing really in my life.<br><br>I decided that I needed to take some time off university to reflect on my life and figure out who I am and what kind of person I want to be. I moved to the countryside and broke the lease on my apartment in the city because I didn't know how long it would take. I started to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and to find my true purpose. I stopped interacting with all of my friends because I didn't want anything to distract me from my journey, because I really needed to be alone with my thoughts.<br><br>I didn't know where to start, so I started with the basics. I made a list of everything I knew about myself. Then I made a list of what I really wanted to achieve in life. I journalized extensively and wrote down all my thoughts. I started to become more aware of my thoughts and actions and I started to question all my assumptions about life. I also started to pay closer attention to my feelings and desires. I slowly started to see things from different perspectives as my mind opened and expanded.<br><br>As part of this process, I started to look back at my past experiences and re-evaluate them in the context of my new worldview. After a while, I started to realize that I might suffer from PTSD. I wasn't surprised at all. It made a lot of sense to me that the accident would have that effect on me. What did surprise me though was that I wasn't the only one and that PTSD is a fairly common diagnosis for drivers involved in accidents like the one I had. I realized that this was actually the reason that I really needed to take some time off university.<br><br>I knew that I needed to find some way to deal with the trauma and PTSD. The way I see it, trauma and PTSD are not illnesses, but rather injuries caused by bad experiences. The best way to deal with them is to slowly work through the bad experiences in a controlled and safe environment. If you don't work through the trauma, it will never heal and can easily be triggered into the PTSD. This is why even though I was doing everything I could think of to deal with my PTSD, I was still having really frequent flashbacks and nightmares.<br><br>A few years ago, I bought a vaporizer pen and a small bag of cannabis to help me relax before bed. I am not really into weed and I don't like drinking alcohol, but I still like to smoke weed sometimes to unwind and relax. I've been experimenting with it during my time off university, partly to prove to myself that I'm not lazy, and partly to see if it could help with my PTSD. I've found that weed frequently makes me really anxious and paranoid, which I discovered is a side effect of most strains of cannabis. When I'm high, the smallest things bother me immensely and feel as if they are immense problems.<br><br>I've tried to avoid weed due to the negative side effects and the fact that it hinders my focus and ability to concentrate, which I need to be able to work through my trauma. But I've found that when the flashbacks do come, the weed has frequently helped me to better cope with them. I've been fairly self-conscious about smoking weed though, as I really don't want to develop a habit. I thought it would make my life worse, but now I realize that it is actually making it better.<br><br>Another method I've been using to really get to the bottom of things is free-association. The concept of free-association is based on the idea that your thoughts aren't truly random and that you can trace them back to their root cause. So I pay close attention to the thoughts that come up and try to see what they are really connected to. Frequently, I'll find that my thoughts are connected to my PTSD. This is particularly useful when combined with meditation because I can use the thoughts that come up as something to focus on.<br><br>My journey of self-discovery has helped me understand myself and my motivations better. I've learned to appreciate life more, and I feel more content and fulfilled. I've noticed positive changes in myself and my relationships with others. It's been a difficult process, but it's worth it.<br><br>Sometimes I feel as if the accident was a sign from God, trying to tell me something. It had a profound impact on me, and I often think about the potential consequences of the accident. I sometimes wonder if there is more to life than what we can see and experience.<br><br>\--------------<br><br>Until recently, I thoroughly identified with the label "atheist" and would have considered myself a staunch atheist, even though I would frequently entertain the idea of God while high. But since I've been smoking a lot more during my time off, the idea of God has still been on my mind even when I'm sober. When I was thoroughly going through my thoughts, I realized that I don't really believe in atheism at all. This has been a strange thing for me to realize due to my background, because I was raised in a religious family and really internalized the religion until I was about 12. I then had a crisis of faith, which made me realize that I don't believe in God. I