I was almost a widower

A few years ago my wife of 8 years was murdered. She was a stay at home mom and I was out there making it. (Yes, I made more than her. That tends to happen when you work & not just sit at home & raise kids. I understand that raising kids is hard work, but it's not as stressful as what I went through everyday.)<br><br>Anyways, the night before she died, she came to me crying. She told me how she wished that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. (Yes, I am "the fence") She wanted to know what was on the other side. She wanted to see & understand. I was pretty dumbfounded. I asked if she was joking, if she was drunk. She was dead serious. I mean, we were married & had just recently bought a house. We had a great life. I didn't understand what was going on. How could she say this? She was a great mother & we made a ton of money. I jumped through all kinds of hoops to make sure that she could stay at home. Apparently, this wasn't enough. She started asking me, "Don't you wanna know what's on the other side?"<br><br>I told her that I was happy where I was at. She told me that I was a pussy for not wanting to know. She started telling me that she could almost feel herself cheating on me. She wanted to know what it was like being with other men. She told me that she didn't care about the consequences. She didn't care if it hurt me or if it hurt our family.<br><br>I told her that I loved her and I didn't want our marriage to end. I told her that if it wasn't working for her, then maybe we could go on a couple dates or schedule a nice dinner every week. Maybe she could get her nails done or go to the spa. Maybe she was bored with the mundane of staying home? She just looked at me like I was crazy.<br><br>I asked her if she wanted to go talk to someone about this. I offered to hire a Psychologist or a counselor. She just looked at me. I told her that I loved her, but I wasn't going to stand by and watch her cheat on me. She looked at me and said that maybe, just maybe she wanted that. I told her that I wouldn't stand by her if she did that. She started crying and told me that I was a control freak.<br><br>I told her that I wasn't and that I just wanted the best for our family & our marriage. I didn't want to be cheated on. I didn't want to hurt our kids like that. She looked at me and said "YOUR kids?!" I said "yes. OUR kids." She looked at me and told me that I wasn't special. That I was just a husband and a father. She said I was nothing "special". That I was basic.<br><br>I asked her what she meant. She told me that I was a means to an end. That I was a provider. She told me that I was a "provider" and that I wasn't "special". That I had an important job to play in the family, but I wasn't irreplaceable. I was just a substitute.<br><br>I remember being so hurt. I cried for a long time. I felt like I wasn't good enough for her. I didn't feel like I was appreciated. (I'm crying now as I write this)<br><br>I remember that I was so hurt & so angry that I wanted to run away. I wanted to just leave. I wanted to just be free of her and the kids. I wanted to leave because I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I didn't mean anything to her. I felt like I was just a paycheck to her. She didn't care about me. She didn't love me. She just wanted a husband. Any husband.<br><br>I'm happy to report that I didn't. I stayed. I stayed because I loved my kids. I stayed because I wanted her to be happy. I stayed because I was afraid of being alone again. I stayed because I didn't want to ruin our son's life.<br><br>The next night, she went out drinking with coworkers. She didn't come home that night. She called me the next morning and told me that she had been robbed & raped. She said that she was at a bar and met a guy. She said they went back to his place and she was robbed & raped. She said that she had no idea what happened.<br><br>I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. I just barely got any sleep because I was waiting for her. She didn't come home! I was waiting up for her! I couldn't believe it when she told me what happened. She started telling me about how "hurt" she was. How she "can't believe this happened to her". She was so distraught and I wanted to comfort her.<br><br>I was so ready just to shower her in love and affection. I was so happy to be there for her. I asked her if she was ok. She said that she wasn't. She was so distraught. So I listened to her. I listened to her as she went on and on about how much pain she was in. She told me how it hurt. How she wished that nobody hurt her like that. She was so hurt.<br><br>I asked her gently, "You know, I was hurt about what you said about me being a provider, right?" She looked at me and said, "What do you mean?" I said, "You told me that I was a provider. You said that I was nothing special. I was hurt." She didn't say anything. She just looked at me.<br><br>I said, "You called me a pussy. You said that I was dumb, stupid and ignorant. I was hurt." She just looked at me. I said, "I was hurt when you said that I was irreplaceable. That I was nothing." She looked at me and said, "But I'm the one that was hurt."<br><br>I asked her, "How bad did it hurt?" She told me that it hurt a lot. I asked her, "How bad did I hurt?" She didn't say anything. She just looked at me. I said, "How bad did I hurt? Did I need to go to the hospital?"<br><br>She didn't say anything. I said, "Did I need to call the police?" And she said, "I need you to call the police." I asked her, "What? I didn't get hurt. I didn't get raped. How was I supposed to know?"<br><br>She just looked at me. I said, "Listen, I know you're hurt now. But you hurt me pretty bad yesterday. You hurt me pretty bad and I'm still in pain. I thought that you would see how I feel."<br><br>She didn't say anything. I said, "I don't think I'm gonna call the police. I don't think I'm gonna tell your parents." She said, "Please, please don't say anything. I can't handle that." She started to cry. I asked her, "How hurt are you? Do you need to go to the doctor?"<br><br>And she said, "Yes. I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt because I let this happen. I'm so hurt." I asked her, "How hurt were you when I was hurt?" She didn't say anything.<br><br>I asked her how hurt she was when she hurt me. She didn't say anything. I said, "Listen, I want to help you. I want to be there for you. I just want to know how hurt I was when you hurt me. I want to know how hurt I was." She didn't say anything.<br><br>I asked her, "Are you going to help me? Are you going to help me?" And she didn't say anything.<br><br>And you know what? She never did.<br><br>The next night, she went out drinking with her coworkers. She was murdered. She was killed by some scumbag. He was a repeat offender. He had a record for assault & battery. He was the type of person that you would want to stay away from. He was the type of person that would give a father nightmares. He was the type of person that you would hate.<br><br>They found her the next morning, behind the store. She was only 29. She was murdered in 2018. She was murdered on a cold night, hidden behind a grocery store. She was murdered after she left the bar. She was murdered when she was drunk & asking for it. She was murdered.<br><br>You know what? I'm glad she was murdered. I'm so glad she was murdered. She hurt me so much & she didn't even say anything.<br><br>After she died, I was so happy. I was so happy that she was gone. I knew that she wouldn't hurt me anymore. I knew that I wouldn't be hurt by her again.<br><br>I knew she was gone, but I didn't know where she was. So I started researching.