My therapist told me to find a woman who treats me like a woman

I have been on insurance-approved therapy services for a few months now. She asked me to do some low-level shadow work and now I am feeling a bit more comfortable and able to open up to her. She asked me to tell her a little bit about my dating/relationship history as a man. <br><br>I told her her that I'm 27 years old. I have been on a few dates in my life with women, but only had like 2 relationships with them. One of them lasted for 3 months and the other one for about 6 months. However, in both cases, I ended up feeling emotionally hurt, ghosted and drained after they ended. She asked if I could tell her more about it. So, I told her about how I have been a little bit overweight and socially awkward my whole life, which has been a bit of a barrier in finding romantic partners. I understand that I am overweight, so I excuse women for not wanting me. I don't find my face to be particularly attractive either, and I assume my lack of facial attractiveness plays into it as well. I am pretty awkward socially, and don't know how to start a conversation with women as it makes me feel anxious. Due to this, I find it hard to get past the first date. If I am lucky enough to get to the second and third date and the woman is no longer interested in having sex with me, I assume it's because I am ugly.<br><br>She asked me to tell her more about the second relationship I had which lasted for about 6 months. I told her that once I got over the initial excitement of dating and started to think about it rationally, I didn't really understand why this woman was into me. I felt very insecure that she was only with me because of me and not for me. I told her that she used to comment on my appearance a lot, but not in a positive way. For example, she would tell me that I am not a skirt chaser and would not end up cheating her or hitting on other women. I was working out a lot while we were dating and she would sometimes tell me that I am not the stereotypical "gym rat" or a man who is obsessed with his physical appearance. She also used to tell me often that she doesn't find me to be attractive. I asked her if she found me sexually attractive, she would pause for a second and tell me that yes, I am a good-looking man and she loves me. For a man with low self-esteem like me, it was unbearable. It made me feel like she doesn't find me attractive as a person or as a man. She would also comment on my intelligence and how it's a turn-on for her. I asked her if she finds me to be smart, she would say "of course". But then again, she would comment on my lack of common sense and how I am not street smart. She also made some comments about how I have a big brain but a small penis. I was able to excuse these things in the beginning, but eventually, I felt like she is commenting on my appearance, body and intelligence negatively for her own entertainment. If I were to comment on her appearance, she would throw a big tantrum and get angry at me. Everything about her had to be positive and I wasn't allowed to make any negative comments. I started to feel like I was a woman to her - like I am a "yes" man with no self-respect or pride of my own. She would often say things like "don't worry about what other people think. You know how I am. I am the only person who matters in your life. You should only care about my opinion." It was a very patriarchal relationship and I felt like I was trapped in a dynamic where I had to be submissive and worship her all the time.<br><br>My therapist listened to me quietly as I told her all this and then she said that she understands why this relationship was so hard for me. She said that the relationship I described to her sounds extremely patriarchal with a large power imbalance. She said that if a man had treated his girlfriend/wife the way I described how I was treated, people would call him a misogynist. She told me that the way I was treated was unacceptable. She asked me if I have been feeling low self-esteem since I got out of this relationship. I told her that I am not really dating much due to low self-esteem. She told me that I probably won't be feeling low self-esteem if I were to date an emotionally intelligent woman who treats me with respect, empathy and kindness. She told me to find a woman who treats me like she would want me to treat her. It's been a few months since our session and now I am feeling a bit better and working on myself. Hopefully, someday I will be able to find a woman who respects me and treats me in a way that I want to be treated.