I am more afraid of my husband than I am of a mass shooter

I'm not sure if this is the right territory for me but I think it might be. I've been obsessed with this sub for the past handful of days. I did not expect to be on here instead of my usual subs, but I think it's because I've been sexualized by my husband (a SA victim support worker). I've had the rug ripped from under me and haven't been able to stand on my own two feet for some time. <br><br>I'm more afraid of my husband, lying in bed next to me, than I am of a mass shooter. I always thought I was going crazy for thinking this. I can't go to therapy because I've been too traumatized. I'm starting to think that my sexualization by my husband has been why I have such a hard time going to therapy, that it's because my husband is a threat to me. <br><br>I can't tell anyone about this because it will ruin me. I don't know anyone. I just graduated college. I'm 23 and I'm sure as heck going to be single at 30. I'm just waiting for it. My husband and I haven't had sex in two months. I am waiting for the day that we have to talk. I am waiting for the day that we have to separate. I will lose my apartment and I will have to find some other way to get by. I will struggle to survive. I will lose my marriage. I will lose my support system. My therapist will be disappointed in me. My family will abandon me. I will lose everyone. <br><br>I am 23. I am alone. I am without help. I do not have anyone. I am struggling. My husband is the reason why I fear my own bed. My husband is the reason why I stay up at night, terrified of people. I am afraid of them. I am trembling. My heart is pounding. I am paranoid. My husband made me this way. He did this to me. He made me hate him. He made me want to kill him. I fantasize about waking up in the middle of the night and slitting his throat. I have these thoughts. They are bad. My husband did this to me. My husband is a threat to me. My husband is lying in bed next to me. Why do I feel this way? I am more afraid of my husband than I am of a mass shooter. I am lying in bed next to him. Why.