Hate

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was my hand. It was shaking pretty hard. Brushing it off, I shook my head. No. Not ever. I would never be that way. I couldn’t.<br><br>Coming out of my reverie, I noticed I was in a room. I had never seen it before, so that didn’t help me much. There was a man sitting on a bed in front of me. He was wearing a white shirt with a red vest and… fuck. How could I have missed it?<br><br>I went to say something. I don’t know, it didn’t really matter. I just wanted to say something, anything. But before I had the chance, his eyes looked up, landing on… I didn’t even know who I was.<br><br>Catching his stare made him blush and he stood up. I followed his example. We stood there for a few seconds until he finally worked up the courage to speak.<br><br>“H…Hate.” He said… my name.<br><br>“J… Joshua.” I replied.<br><br>The poor bastard looked like he was going to pass out. I didn’t blame him, really. I felt the same way. But I still… felt something. I didn’t know what it was or why I felt it, but I knew I wasn’t ready to give up on him. Yet.<br><br>I needed to know. Everything. Now.<br><br>“Sit.” I commanded gruffly. He obeyed immediately. I hesitated for a few seconds before doing the same.<br><br>“Explain.”<br><br>Joshua looked up at me, tears in his eyes and a look of parted lips. The latter threw me off for just a second but… I didn’t remember anything about my life leading up to this moment. Who was I to question what I found pleasure in or not?<br><br>I finally made eye contact. I could have sworn I heard him gulp.<br><br>“You… you don’t remember?” He… asked?<br><br>I held his stare as long as I could, before I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked away. My grip on the arm rest tightened, I could tell.<br><br>“No, I don’t fucking remember.” I said angrily.<br><br>He didn’t look at me. I… I didn’t blame him. I didn’t deserve anything close to forgiveness from him. I… I knew that.<br><br>“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I didn’t mean to-“<br><br>“Stop.” I interrupted. “Speak.”<br><br>Hesitating for an eternity, he… answered my question. I didn’t know if I was ready for anything, but I needed to hear him out. I needed to know everything that had happened to lead me up to this point.<br><br>“I’m not sure where to begin.”<br><br>“Start from the beginning.”<br><br>“The beginning?” He asked.<br><br>“Yes, the fucking beginning. Who am I?”<br><br>His expression went blank, before he answered my question. “You… you are Griselda, from the kingdom of Yungmaed in the country of Endor. You’re… you’re the daughter of….. the King and Queen.”<br><br>My… father. Mother. I… I wish I had something to say to that but… I didn’t. No happy memories of them. No anger. I just… didn’t feel anything.<br><br>“When… are we?”<br><br>He sniffled. I kept my expression neutral, not knowing how he would respond if I met his eye.<br><br>“When… when you were five the… war broke out. Your magic just… came out of nowhere and it saved you.” He… sniffled more. “Your parents were murdered by… the enemy.”<br><br>I made a face. “Enemy? What enemy?”<br><br>He met my eyes, and, for a second, I thought he would answer my question. He… he didn’t. He just looked away.<br><br>“Who is that?”<br><br>I followed his gaze and saw a painting on the wall. It was a… a woman. She was… blue and had blonde hair. She was wearing a blue… dress? And held a white sword.<br><br>“That… that’s your mother.” Joshua said from beside me.<br><br>I turned back to him, a scowl on my face. “No. That’s not my mother… is it?”<br><br>He chewed his lips for a few seconds before answering. “Your mother… her magic… changed her. I’m sorry.” He said.<br><br>I shook my head and… sighed. “I don’t blame you.” I said. I… hesitated. “You… you tell me this story.”<br><br>He swallowed. “I… I have something for you.”<br><br>I shook my head. “No. I want you to tell me what happened.”<br><br>He… worked up the nerve and punched me in the face.<br><br>Little bastard packed a fucking punch.<br><br>I… held my face, gaping at him as he walked away. I… settled down and followed him. He went into another room and… I had to stop. I… I remember.<br><br>That was my bedroom. And on the bed… I saw myself. Sitting on the bed. My hair was blue and my eyes were red. I… shook my head.<br><br>I… walked up to my former self. I still… didn’t know who I was. But I knew one thing.<br><br>That… person was not me.<br><br>I… laid down replace my old self, crossing my arms. I looked up at Joshua.<br><br>“Talk.”<br><br>He… worked up the courage to speak. He… told me everything.<br><br>I moaned. “Joshua, come on!” I said, my voice husky.<br><br>He shook his head. “No, Griselda.” He said. “I won’t do this.”<br><br>I… I growled. I… I… I didn’t know why, I just… I was angry. I… I didn’t care. He… he would see things my way or else.<br><br>He… stood up. He… beat me until I passed out.<br><br>I… laid in bed for… I didn’t know how long. I… lost count of the days. I knew… I had fucked up but… I didn’t care.<br><br>Except… I did. I… I felt something. But… I held onto my anger instead of… whatever that was.<br><br>I… eventually got bored so… I left the room. I… I saw a bunch of different people. All of them avoided me except for one person.<br><br>He… he was a young boy. He had yellow eyes and blue hair. He… looked at me.<br><br>“Hate?” He asked.<br><br>I… I… I didn’t know what to say. I… I worked up the nerve to talk to him.<br><br>“Y…yes.”<br><br>He… looked down. “I’m… I’m Garlic.” He… introduced himself.<br><br>I shook my head. That… wasn’t his name.<br><br>“How… how old are you?” I asked him.<br><br>He looked up, his eyes wide. “I’m… 12.” He replied.<br><br>I… nodded. “Then… I’m 19. Correct?”<br><br>He… looked down again, nodding. “Y…yes.”<br><br>“I… I don’t remember you.” I… broke the silence.<br><br>That.. wasn’t true. At least… I think it wasn’t.<br><br>“You’re… you… you saved me.” He said, tears in his eyes.<br><br>I… didn’t know what to say. Thank you? Please?<br><br>I… didn’t have to say anything. That’s when… that’s when I saw him. The man from the painting.<br><br>The… man I… loved.<br><br>I… I knew that. When I… saw him, all of the memories that I had lost came back.<br><br>But… along with the good things, the bad things came back as well.<br><br>I… I hated him.<br><br>I… still… still I loved him though.<br><br>He was… staring back at me. But… his… expression. I… chewed my lips. I… didn’t like that look.<br><br>I… needed to get his attention. It… wasn’t hard. I just… smiled.<br><br>He… his expression changed. The cold… look was gone and… his face lit up.<br><br>I… I… I didn’t feel anything. I… didn’t feel anything warm. How could I?<br><br>That… was a lie.<br><br>I felt something. My face had betrayed me and I… I smiled.<br><br>I… approached him. He held out his arms.<br><br>“Hate.”<br><br>I… I let him hug me. I… felt warmth in my chest. I… I still… still I hated him.<br><br>He… pulled away from me. I… I looked into his eyes. I… I didn’t love them. I… I still hated him.<br><br>I… wanted him. I… I still… still I hated him.<br><br>I… punched him in the face. I… I still hated him.<br><br>And… I still loved him.<br><br>I… still hated him.<br><br>I still loved him but… you can’t love someone you… hate.<br><br>That… was true.<br><br>But… why was I shaking?<br><br>I… didn’t know.<br><br>But I… still knew one thing.<br><br>That… person I saw on the bed wasn’t me.<br><br>And whether I… loved him or hated him, I’d never go back to being that… pathetic person.<br><br>No.<br><br>Never.<br><br>I… still shook.