DOL - Down On Love

DOL - Down On Love is the name of a dating app. The twist: Every time you match, it takes you to the ultimate date the two of you will go on (which is always a disaster that ends in a break up) before taking you back to the match screen.<br><br>You are the CEO of DOL. You love your business and your business' success. You also love your son who is 28 and the COO of your business. You don't however love the new girl he is dating. You have tried talking with him, opened his eyes to her flaws, pleaded with him. Nothing works. So you've decided to take matters into your own hands. You know whenever your boy matches when he is going on a date. After all, he's the COO. You simply 'hacked' his account and clicked settings, then 'gift match info,' and have him send you a text every time he gets a match. <br><br>Last night he matched, and tonight is the date. You've never actually used the algorithm before though. It's not like you don't believe in it, you just don't need a dating app to get a date. So tonight, you are going on your son's date.<br><br>The date is taking place at a large, outdoor dinner theatre in the centre of a large, well-to-do city. The food is being served first, and it is already going horribly. Your son matched with a girl named, "Sorry Not Sorry" on the app. Her real name is Saidie. She is a 25 year old professional apologologist. An apologologist is essentially a defence lawyer for people and companies that have fucks up. Saidie specializes in apologizing for celebrities who have done things like beat their spouses. She is also a vegan, feminist, anti-immigration, pro-choice, pro-life, gender neutral, flat earther, human whose political views change depending on whomever she is talking to. <br><br>You sit down across from her at the table, and can immediately see why the algorithm thinks she is a match for your son. She is beautiful, funny, intelligent, and somehow also a sociopath. She has already tried to order three separate appetizers that aren't on the menu, called the server a bitch, and yelled at a man walking by who was wearing a fur coat. You, a 58 year old man who has two exotic cars, four houses, and a fur lined denim jacket, were the one wearing the coat. <br><br>"So what do you do for work, thehumanwholooksnothinglikemyex?" She asked. (Your son's username on the app is, "thehumanwholooksnothinglikemyex.")<br><br>"I'm the CEO of a large corporation. It's very stressful, but it pays very well. It's also an absolute shit-show most of the time."<br><br>"Sounds like my office."<br><br>"Aha! Yeah, I can't imagine it doesn't get stressful defending the skid marks on the underwear of America."<br><br>"Ha! Is that what they call me? Hilarious. No. Not really. Most of the people I defend blame everything on their publicists. That's why my first rule is to fire their current PR staff. Not only does that open up a bunch of positions that I need filled, thus, more money for me, it also gives me someone to blame for anything that might come up in the future. After that, its just a bunch of interviews, some meetings with the client, and it's all pretty smooth."<br><br>"Wow." Is all you can say, before the food comes. <br><br>Once the food comes, you start eating, as does Saidie. After only a few bites, Saidie starts making loud noises of disgust. <br><br>"What the fuck is this? This is not what I ordered." She said. <br><br>"Uhm, excuse me. I'm sorry miss, but you ordered the chicken, we gave you the chicken." Said the server. <br><br>"I did not order the chicken. I ordered the chicken with no chicken. Is that too fucking hard to remember? You piece of-"<br><br>"Miss Saidie, I'm sorry, but if you keep speaking to my staff like that, I will have to ask you to leave." Said the restaurant manager. <br><br>"Well shit, I'm not leaving until this bitch gets me my chickenless chicken."<br><br>"What is chickenless chicken?"<br><br>"I just want the sauce and the seasoning they put on the chicken, but without the chicken."<br><br>"I can't give you chicken seasoning Saidie. That's, like, the seasoning we put on our chicken."<br><br>"Well then just give me the chicken, without the chicken seasoning."<br><br>"That's just chicken Saidie."<br><br>"Well then just give me the chicken sauce."<br><br>"You mean ketchup?"<br><br>"No, not ketchup you fucking moron. Chicken sauce."<br><br>"I'm sorry Saidie, but we do not make or serve 'chicken sauce' here, and if we did, it would just be chicken sauce served without chicken, which defeats the goddamn purpose of ordering the goddamn sauce."<br><br>"Fuck off. Give me my goddamn check you fucking -"<br><br>"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were done."<br><br>"Just give me my fucking check you stupid bitch."<br><br>"Here, miss, is your check. Show it to the lady at the desk on your way out." Said the manager, before turning around and grabbing Saidie by the shoulders, escorting her out of the restaurant. <br><br>"Wait! I'm not done yet. I haven't seen the show. This isn't over. Come back here you fucking -"<br><br>"I'm sorry miss, but you are not welcome back here. If you don't leave right now, we will call the police."<br><br>"Fine! Fuck! This fucking piece of shit restaurant. Fuck it. I'm going to go online and post about how shitty this place is and-"<br><br>"We have a no phone policy here miss. I'm going to have to take that."<br><br>"No! You are not taking my phone you fucking bitch. I will scream at the top of my lungs if you -"<br><br>The manager quickly grabbed Saidie, turned her away, held herchin in his hands, and put his fingers up her nose, causing her to scream in pain as he took her phone and dragged her out of the restaurant. Saidie then turned around and started walking towards the tables. <br><br>"You. The guy I was with. Yeah, you. Come here. You're going to pay for my dinner."<br><br>"I'm sorry Saidie, but the manager made it very clear you're not welcome here. I think I'm just going to stay."<br><br>"You fucking piece of shit. I've been back here for five minutes and you haven't stood up? You little bitch. I swear to fucking shit. Alright, I don't need you anyway. All I need is your money. You, the guy back there wearing a shirt that says 'World's Best Dad' on it. Give me your wallet, or I'll scream."<br><br>The guy reunites Saidie with a very angry manager who, along with a few others, escorted her out of the place, got her in her car, and followed her out of the parking lot. Saidie drives a bright pink Range Rover with "SORRY NOT SORRY" written across the side of it in scratch-and-sniff letters. She was also blaring very loud rap music as she drove away with the windows down and her middle finger up. <br><br>Well, that's it. She's gone. You have to go back to the match screen. You swipe until you find another match. <br><br>"JewelsForJesus?" You thought to yourself. "What kind of name is that?"<br><br>You swipe right. <br><br>Wham. <br><br>You feel yourself being lifted out of your seat at the dinner theatre, and put into a small cave. You open your eyes to see you are now in a small cave. You are standing. To your left is a very beautiful young lady who is cradling a baby. To your right is your son. Behind your son is a cross. Behind you is a small, make shift surgery table with medical tools on it. The woman is crying. <br><br>"What in the-"<br><br>"You said no pain killers! I thought that meant I could have regular pain killers. It hurts so fucking much. Just stop it. Just cut the baby out of me."<br><br>"I told you, we are going to baptize our baby boy right after it is born. The best, and only, way to do this is, as the good book says, 'baptism by fire.'"<br><br>"Jesus fucking goddamn christ. What have I got myself into?"<br><br>"Please. You'll ruin the moment." <br><br>You turn to see a priest walking into the small cave. <br><br>"What the fuck is this?" You asked. <br><br>"This isn't for you to know heathen." Said the priest. <br><br>"Well how did I get here?"<br><br>"I believe the name of your son's dating app will answer all your questions, demon."<br><br>"It's called DOL. It stands for Down On Love. What does that have to do with anything?"<br><br>"I'm sorry sir, but I believe you know exactly why you're here."<br><br>"Well I'm leaving." You said, before being grabbed by three large, armless, golems that were apparently hiding in the walls. You struggled, but it was no use. You couldn't get away. You watched as your son snatched the baby from Jewels, tossed it into a small sink of boiling water, and the priest proceeded to burn the holy cross into Saidie's stomach. <br><br>You watched. <br><br>Truly speechless, unable to struggle, unable to look away, unable to move. <br><br>You watched as the golems tossed you back where you were when it all started. <br><br>You didn't match again that night.<br><br>You couldn't.<br><br>What you just saw shook you down to your very core.