I’ve realized, I’m not actually attracted to him anymore.

I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I’ve been with him for a few years now. We met in a bar, and I got drunk and he asked me to come home with him. We’ve been together since, but the relationship was always toxic, abusive, controlling and abusive. I left once, and that was when he showed his true colours. He threatened to kill himself and called me a bitch and a psycho. It was so horrible, I could never go back to that man again. <br><br>He would call me and my sister bitches. He would call me and call my mum a psycho. He was controlling and abusive, and I was so scared of him. I couldn’t go back to him, but I didn’t want to either. I was stuck in this cycle of trauma, and it felt like it was never going to end. I felt like I had no options. I had nowhere to go, and I couldn’t go back to him. I felt trapped and alone, and scared, all of the time. <br><br>I had to get away from him, so I did. I’m not with him anymore. But I still have to see him. I have to see him at family events, and at my friends house, and at the bar where we met. I have to see him everywhere, and I feel sick every time. I feel sick because I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to be reminded of him. I want to forget that I was ever with him, but I can’t. I still have to think about him, every time I see him. I feel like I’m going crazy, and I don’t know what to do.<br><br>I’ve come to realise, I’m not attracted to him anymore. I’ve never loved him, and I’ve never loved myself. I feel so worthless and pathetic. I don’t want to see him anymore, I just want to forget. I want to forget about him, I want to forget about myself. I just want to be free from him. But I can’t, because I still have to see him. <br><br>I just don’t want to see him anymore. I don’t want to feel like I have to hide my emotions from him, and that I can’t show him my real self. I just want to be myself, I want to be free.