I (f26) hate my son (m5)

I don't love my son and i hate the fact that i don't love him.<br><br>It was an accident, i was young, i was drunk, and i didn't even think i was pregnant until i was almost 5 months gone.<br><br>When i see myself in the mirror, i want to scream at my younger self to wear a condom, that all that a person has to do is slip it on before having sex, it doesn't hurt, and it will give me the chance to one day chose when i want to have kids.<br><br>I didn't want to be a mom, i grew up with the idea that women don't want to be single moms and that raising a kid by yourself will ruin your life. It's your fault, you messed up, and it's your job to raise the kid because mom/dad done good by taking you in and bailing you out. You should be grateful, you're better off than other people.<br><br>Teachers called me a mistake in school in front of my classmates, classmates called me a whore and a mistake, and even the kids at school called me a mistake and a whore. They all saw my belly and i couldn't go anywhere without being called a whore, a mistake, or being asked invasive questions.<br><br>I don't want to be a mom, i still don't want to be a mom. I chose to keep him because i didn't have the money to get one and abortion just doesn't sit right with me because my younger sister was supposed to be aborted and if she had been aborted i wouldn't have a sister.<br><br>When i look at my son, i see the person that ruined my life. He's my mistake, my dumb decision, my poor choice. He's the reason i have to work my ass off and rush back and forth between work and home. He's the reason i have to share a bedroom with. He's the reason i'm stuck at my parent's house.<br><br>I love my siblings more than i love him. I was very close to my brother and sister and now i don't have a room for myself and i feel like all of my stuff has been taken over by his stuff. I don't want a five year old in my room, i want my brother and sister in my room.<br><br>I could have made better choices, i know that now. I was young, i didn't care, i just went along with it, and now im a mom and i feel so.. angry and resentful.<br><br>When one of his teachers asked me to stay after class i was so angry. I didn't want to be there, i didn't want to be a mom, i didn't want to deal with that. I dealt with it, and i didn't want to because i was forced to be there.<br><br>When he hurt his foot and i had to take him to the hospital and pay for the casts and the doctor visits, i was so angry. I didn't want that responsibility, i didn't want to be a mom, i didn't want to be there with him, and i didn't want to pay for it all because i didn't have the money.<br><br>I don't want to be a mom, and i hate the fact that i don't want to be one. I see the dads/guys at school talking to the other parents, i hear the moms talking, i see the photos they post on social media of their babies and kids, i see the smiles on the kids faces when they talk to their mom, i feel the fact that i'm a mom and in all of that i feel like i don't want to be here. I just want to say 'im not the mom, im the sister', that's what i want to do.<br><br>In my head i have a million scenarios where i say that, where i go.. "you all seem to think that im the mom but no, im clearly the daughter, im clearly the sister" and i imagine the looks on their faces when i say this, shock at first, confusion next, before asking "but isn't your name ______?" and me going "i changed my name", them going "but why are you with ______?" and me going "they're my siblings and my parents fostered them" and them going "your father/mother ______?" and me going "yeah, he's/she's my mom/dad" and them going "but why?" and me going "because im not a good mom and i didn't want to be a mom" before they run off and go and tell everyone around them.<br><br>That's all i can imagine, which makes me feel worse because it will never happen. Even if it did, it would fall apart quickly, they'd ask my parents, and the truth would come out.<br><br>I hate that i don't want to be a mom, i hate that my son will grow up with the fact that his mom doesn't love him, and i hate that i can't do anything about it. I just imagine him telling his kids that their nana doesn't love them and that they were a mistake in his eyes.<br><br>In my entire life i have never felt so unwanted, useless, and pathetic. I'm pathetic for having sex without a condom, i'm pathetic for not realizing that i was pregnant, i'm pathetic for not knowing how to take care of a baby, and i'm pathetic for not knowing how to be a mom.<br><br>I can't stop thinking about it, i feel like it will plague me for the rest of my life, and i feel like a terrible person for feeling like this.<br><br>I feel terrible and pathetic, and i hate myself because of it.<br><br>Sorry for the rambling, i just needed to get this off my chest.<br><br>Edit;<br><br>Wow, this blew up. I promise that every comment will be read.<br><br>Also just to say that i am taking the comments on board and i am looking to get in touch with professionals in order to get help.<br><br>It may take longer than expected to respond to every comment.<br><br>Edit 2;<br><br>I've been reading a lot of the comments and a lot of people are saying that i should post this on a different sub, any ideas about which one would be best? Or should i just keep it here? I personally think that posting this in multiple subs is a good idea.