I was told to make an alt of my throwaway because people get confused when they see a throwaway account in a post, so (re)welcome!

I'm myranda, a 23-year old double major (English, Psychology) and aspiring school counselor. I know it's a bit of a stretch, but I'm (obviously) not here to make fun of you guys. In all reality I am just really curious about the subculture and was wondering how y'all got here- you know, what lead you to the conclusions you have drawn and what not. I am not here to bash anyone or try to change anyone's opinions, I am simply looking to educate myself on a topic I am very interested in. I'm a psychology student after all :) <br><br>That being said, I have been lurking for a while now and, aside from all of the incredibly offensive, violent, (and just flat out bizarre) content, I noticed that a lot of you are just lonely. You want someone to love you for who you are (so do I, trust me), to find someone to make you happy, you know, the works. I am not skinny, I have had my fair share of weight gain and loss. I have never been in a relationship, haven't even held anyone's hand since I was 15. I understand you guys feel (or have felt) alienated in ways- being rejected, etc. I am guilty of "the look"; I remember going to the grocery store at 9pm on a Sunday night and seeing a guy with no teeth and a cane walking around, drinking some sort of malt liquor (in the store). I know it must have sucked to see me make a face, but then I reflected upon it and while I am not his cup of tea, I bet there is someone out there for him. It may not be a romantic relationship, but there is someone out there who loves him, even if it is just a close friend. <br><br>I have been rejected for jobs, while everyone says I interview really well, I am still out of a job. It has been three years since I graduated high school and I still live with my parents. I have applied to countless jobs, gotten a handful of call-backs, but no one wants to hire me. I am in danger of being removed from financial aid because I am not meeting the academic requirement to receive money, even though I am taking 18 credits a semester and working part-time. Am I mad at the system? Not really. Am I mad at myself? Yeah, a little bit. Do I blame it on anyone else? Nope. I don't think I am "above" anyone when it comes to things like this. It's not anyone else's fault except mine, because it *is* my fault. I could find a job if I wanted to, but I don't really look for one because I know I don't really need one. It's a pretty shitty attitude to have, but hey, while I may not have a job with benefits, I at least have healthcare, I at least get to go to school, I at least get to study fields I am really passionate about, I at least get to apply to medical school in two years, and I at least get to apply for jobs I actually care about. <br><br>I have never found myself in a "relationship" with someone. Freshman year of high school I was told I was "too big, too fat, (too) ugly" to ever find anyone who loved me. It hurt, but I got over it. I made friends, lots of friends, and they all like me for me. Not for my body, but for my personality and the things I have to offer. I have always felt like (no matter my weight) I am pretty. Not like, *pretty*, but you know what I mean. I am healthy for the most part, and not "fat" while I am not "skinny" either. Being called ugly didn't hurt after I took my own advice. It's good to be humble, but it's better to not take other people's opinions to heart, you know? I climbed up the social latter real quick in high school- freshman year I was told no one would like me, by senior year I was being scouted by modeling agencies and competing in pageants. I'm not calling myself "beautiful", I am just saying that sometimes people you trust the most are going to tear you down because they don't want to see you succeed. I have recently started working out again and using a_stariked's PPL routine. Not to "get skinny", not to "loss weight"- to get healthy. To feel healthy. To feel like I am doing something for my body and mind. I like going to the gym early in the morning, I like how I feel after. I like working on my mental and emotional health. I know it is a long, hard process, but I'm ready for it. It's healthy for me to do this, to focus my attention and energy not on the things holding me back, but on the things pushing me forward. <br><br>You don't have to message me, you don't have to chat with me. I'm not looking to initiate a relationship with you. All I am saying is this: I see you. Not you specifically, but the people in this sub. I see you. You guys are human, just like I am. You guys have feelings, just like I do. The only difference between you and I (aside from obvious things like weight, looks, personality, etc.) is how we cope with things. I may see the world, or even my own life, in a different light than you guys, but that doesn't matter (or even count, for that matter). What I am saying is this: you guys are strong. *You. Guys. Are. Strong.* Yes, I know the system is fucked and it is hard to find employment while also trying to pay tuition, but then again, *people do it!* It is possible! Don't get down on your selves or blame it on other people. As the great e.e. cummings once said, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." I know it is hard, I know it *looks* impossible, but it is possible. If it were not then there would not be people out there managing to do it. <br><br>I am not saying I do not agree with certain things you say or disagree, I am saying that *you guys are people, too*. I understand it is frustrating when you see other people succeeding around you while you are not. I understand it is frustrating when you see people who do not "work as hard" as you are more successful than you. I know that, trust me. I have been there, and if you haven't already, you will too. I have subjects I find difficult, like math, but I still push through and I still do really well in those subjects. I do this because while it is hard, it is not impossible. There is a difference between hard and impossible, and while things may be *hard*, it does not necessarily mean it is *impossible*. There is a difference between "I am trying for A's, but only getting B's" and "I am trying for A's, but only getting F's." If it is impossible, it would be impossible for everyone to do, not just you. If it is impossible, you wouldn't try it in the first place because it would be a waste of time. <br><br>I'm not gonna lie, I don't really like many of the things you guys say, but while I don't like them, I like *you guys*. You guys may be a bit awkward, strange, or socially inept, but that's okay. There is someone out there for you. The internet is a shitty (and *very* biased) way to look for people and while you may be rejected, there is still someone out there for you. Do not confuse reality with internet reality, because they are very different things and the internet while helpful can very, very problematic. <br><br>I know my post is a bit long, but then again, so are a lot of the posts I have seen on here. I like how passionate you all are, even if I do not agree with your interpretations. I hope you all have a wonderful, beautiful life and I really do wish you guys the best :)