My husband accused me of sleeping with my brother

Few days ago during an argument he started shouting at me that he will leave, I got scared and begged him to stay, but he kept shouting. He wanted me to tell him that I loved him. I got scared and said it. But everything seemed meaningless without him showing me his love too. Days have passed since then, he is back, I am extremely scared right now because of all the mean and disgusting things he screamed at me during those arguments. He did not give me physical violence but still he broke alot of my things and broke my heart and stability and weight. I am scared to go anywhere and don’t know what to think. <br><br>Especially, what he said about my brother. I was shocked about those disgusting sentences, I could see that look in his eyes, I pressed my lips in shock. I could not believe that he was saying that to me. During these arguments he also holds me by my hair and pulls me around, and sometimes he tries to lift me by holding my hair in such a way that it jerks and my head is thrown back. It hurts like hell, I excessively cry in these situations. <br><br>But I am more sad because of what he said about me and my brother. I could see the disgust and anger in his eyes, it hurt me deeply. Those moments I felt like I was a horrible person for sleeping with my own brother. I suffer from all kinds of things, I miss my brother sexually and romantically and care very much about him. I would love to go back in time and make my husband my first time. Since I suffer so much about this. But unfortunately I cannot. I don’t know if I would love my brother like I do, if he was not my first. I also love my husband but I cannot define my sexuality towards him and suffer so much about it. <br><br>I wanted to say something to my husband about my brother but I know my husband. He will laugh at me like he laughs at my sufferings. He does not even listen to me. He doesn’t make eye contact when he talks to me or listens to me. He only cares about himself. Please tell me why is my husband like that. I know I will never see my husband laugh or smile at me. He doesn’t even smile at me. He is not positive and sexually passionate about me. He also does not look at me, I don’t know if he ever looked at my face. He never holds any different expressions or emotions towards me. It’s just angry. This makes me feel so ugly and obsessive. As if I am guilty of something.