AITA for leaving my son?

11 years ago, after being through a nasty divorce, I met my husband. My son was 9 at the time. Well, my husband was EVERYTHING I thought I wanted at the time. He was kind, attentive, cared for our home, brought home good pay, etc. He took a liking to my son, and I thought he was the dream guy. <br><br>We married more than a year later, and it was fine. I was content with the arrangement. I had been through a messy divorce, coming out with a kiddo and not a lot of money. I had to work hard to get to where I was, and so to have such a great arrangement... I was happy to stay. <br><br>One year after my son turned 12, he asked to see other girls his age. I said no. My husband was more than a little angry. He told me we were having it all wrong. I was raising a pervert. I argued that he was too young, and kids shouldn't date anyway. He became irate. I thought he had just been playing dad, but that night I realized he had envisioned us as a couple, not like he wanted to be a part of a family.<br><br>He calmed down after a few days and apologized. He said we needed to reconsider our relationship with our son, because we were making him isolated from everyone and he didn't want him to be a creep. I changed my mind, and allowed our son to have one girlfriend. He chose one of his best friends, and it worked out for a while. <br><br>Until it didn't. They broke up, and my husband was still FUCKING IRRITATED every time our son got sad, upset, or angry. I began to regret giving my son so little freedom. Then, in the months before his 16th birthday, we learned he was having voices. I took him to get therapy, and we learned he had schizophrenia. I was heartbroken, but my husband told me not to be so dramatic and that people with schizophrenia could handle it. I just felt exhausted. And terrified. But I tried to do my best as a mom. My husband grew more and more angry. The only people my son had were his girlfriend (who he didn't even date), and 3 other boys. My husband says he needs more time with other girls. He's frustrated because my son is being "selfish" and I should "stop letting him split up and ruin relationships".<br><br>I realized how deeply wrong I had done this by the time my son turned 19. Showing symptoms, not being able to take people anymore, being placed in psych wards, exhausted from his medications. He tried to kill himself twice. Showing a great deal of anger and resentment, especially towards me and my husband. And I realized I had failed him. By the time he was 21, he moved out and I broke down crying and begging for him to come back. He heard me sobbing outside his car, but he still left. And I collapsed, drunk and defeated, into bed and thought about how much I had changed since I left my first husband for my son's sake. I had done everything thinking about my son. I thought I did the right thing. But in the end, my son despises me for it. I'm not sure I can ever get him back. And why? What did I get out of it? A man who couldn't handle the twists and turns of life? A man who I'm not even sure loves me for myself, or my ability to make him happy.<br><br>I'm sitting here now, alone in my home with my husband. And I want to call my son so bad, but I know he won't answer. I want to apologize, to let him know I never should have made him feel so claustrophobic and have his boundaries ignored. I want to tell him I love him, and I didn't realize what I had done wrong. I want to hug him through his tears and let him know I'm on his side. I want to be his mom again, his protector, his hero. But he's gone. I don't think I'll ever get him back.