AITA for refusing to let my son's friend stay at our house because he is gay?

This is a throw away account my real one is a mess of details about my family and my job etc so I'm using this to be more anonymous. This also leads me to expect I only post this one time and move on.<br><br>Ok, here's what happened. The week before last, my kid asked me if his friend Jay could stay here while he's in the state. We live in Oregon. Jay lives in Maryland. I said of course it's no problem. My wife and I have known Jay since he was a little kid. We're very fond of him. If you follow along here, you'll see why this may seem relevant. <br><br>So Jay arrived and stayed for two nights, then was either going camping or staying in a hostel/hotel for the remainder of his trip. So on the second night Jay is here, my son says<br><br>"I met someone that's going to come over and probably end up staying the night."<br><br>I said that was fine. This was at 8pm. At 9, Jay's friend, let's call him E, was at the door. They went to my son's room and hung out, with the door closed, for a few hours. As my wife pointed out afterwards, this is the first time our son has a man in his room with the door closed for what she figured was the first time in a very long time. If ever. <br><br>I go to bed pretty early most nights because I get up at 4. So, I go to sleep around 11, and my wife and daughter are still up. A little while later, I hear knocking on my door. I don't hear a lot of things once I'm asleep, but for some reason this woke me up. My wife answered and said "what?"<br><br>E said he and Jay were being loud, he apologized and they were going to quiet down. My wife thanked him for bringing it to her attention.<br><br>I was born and raised in south Jersey (across from Philly) and moved to Oregon about a decade ago. I'm one of those men who has a hard time expressing feelings but most certainly has them. My wife is from Arizona and we met after we both moved to Oregon. She's much more expressive than I am. <br><br>I go to sleep, the next morning my wife is still asleep but my son is already up and getting ready for work. I ask him what he was doing that was so loud. He said he and Jay and E were messing around and got too loud. I said it was just as well since E was leaving anyway. My son then says E was going to stay but my wife asked him not to. I asked why? My son said she didn't like having 3 men in the house at the same time so she asked him not to stay. <br><br>He then says "I told you we were gonna be loud." <br><br>The reason my son was either camping or staying in a hostel/hotel part of his trip is because my wife accused him of "bringing strange men into her house" anytime he stayed with us, if he was going to be "doing whatever it is he does." So he stays elsewhere because we aren't happy about his lifestyle and it's genuinely not something we could ever condone. It's a long and sad story and there's a resolution in sight. But that's not actually what this is about as you'll see...<br><br>I said ""I thought E was your friend?" He said "he's not really my friend." I asked then "Who is he?" He said "He's Jay's boyfriend." Now, this is not really something I want to admit, but I'm a bit of a homophobe. Not the angry, protesting outside churches, shouting slurs variety, but I really don't feel comfortable around gay men and don't know how to react. I have a confirmed chase, no matter how quick or innocent it is, and will usually end up excusing myself. This is not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth. <br><br>I said "Jay isn't gay." My son said "how do you know?" I said "because we've known him forever, I'm sure we would know." My son then clarified that I must be "willfully ignorant" if I really believed that, since Jay "is so gay." I'm not really a confrontational guy, but that got my hackles up a little. I told him I just didn't know is all.<br><br>After our brief conversation I went back upstairs. My wife was in the kitchen. I asked her the same thing. Why did you tell E not to stay? She said Jay was gay and she didn't like the idea of having a gay man in the house. I asked if we knew for certain Jay was gay. She said yes, she had asked him when he arrived and asked if he was going to be "engaged in his usual activities" while at the house. Apparently Jay said yes, and my wife asked him if she was going to have to worry about him coming into either of our bedrooms. <br><br>I said "So you asked him if he was going to roam the house at night looking for men to have sex with?" She confirmed she had. I said "why?" She said it was her house and her right to decide such things. I said she was being ridiculous because we've known Jay his whole life and we knew he wasn't like that. She said she didn't care, and she didn't want to worry that some gay man was roaming around at night in her house. She also said we didn't know Jay at all. <br><br>I took the opportunity to tell her I had no problem with gay people, and that this was a ridiculous over reaction to Jay's presence. She said Jay wasn't the problem, it was E. I then asked why she let E in in the first place if she was so worried about what he might be up to in the house. She said my son had told her E was his friend. When she found out E was Jay's boyfriend, she told him not to stay. <br><br>I said "You know that means Jay will probably go stay with his boyfriend." She said that was better for everyone. That night Jay texted my son and apologized but said his boyfriend wasn't comfortable staying in our house and Jay didn't feel right leaving him alone so he was going to go stay with him. My son then reminded Jay that he (my son) was a grown man and she has no right to dictate who could be in his room. <br><br>Jay said "I don't want to have some sort of confrontation with your mom about me being either bi or gay, I'm just going to go stay with him. But I do appreciate the sentiment." My son then said "No, I get it. So we'll just have to all plan ahead in the future."<br><br>My wife heard the conversation and she told me Jay would no longer be welcome in the house if he was "engaged in such conduct." I told her Jay is an adult, so what was she planning to do to enforce that? She said she'd do whatever it took to "protect her family." I said "but we've known Jay his whole life and there's been no indication..." She cut me off and said "We don't know Jay at all." I said "We certainly do. We've known him his whole life."<br><br>She then went on a whole thing about how I don't care about her or the safety of her family. I said I most certainly do. I just don't think Jay is going to be wandering around the house at night looking for men to have sex with. She then said how I was basically giving him carte blanche to do as he pleased. I said no, I just trust him because we know him. She also said she thought it was "telling" that I refused to even admit he was gay. I said I didn't know for sure. She said I was being ridiculous. <br><br>So yesterday, Jay was supposed to come by and help us move some things around the house. My son had already texted him the day before and told him he didn't have to come if he didn't feel up to it and Jay said he would come and help us move the stuff. My wife then took Jay aside and told him "I'm glad you decided to come help us Jay, but if I find out you spent any time in your 'friend's' room, you will not be welcome in this house anymore." Jay then told her "First of all, I'm only doing this because I want to help your husband. You're not a nice person and you don't deserve my help. I'm not going to be spending any time with E in your house because he's not coming here and I don't care enough about you to do something spiteful like that. <br><br>I am however, going to either stop by his place or he's going to come hang out here before we start moving stuff around. Second, my son is my friend and your son. If you're going to give him such a hard time about me being either gay or bisexual, then maybe he should just go live with me and forget about you. Third, you need to get some therapy because you're a very unhappy and unfulfilled person. I think it would help you out a lot. Fourth, either get some therapy or get a new husband, because he seems like a really nice guy and you treat him like shit. Fifth, I'm giving you fair warning that I am going to tell my friend not to come into your room while I'm here. And sixth, you're just a shitty person."<br><br>She then came and told me what he said. I apologized for him and said he had no right to treat her that way. She then asked if I was either going to stand behind her and defend our family or