The previous tenant of my new flat left a survival guide. Last night my survival was threatened.

Before I start, I feel like I should make it clear that this is 100% what happened. I’m not trying to spin a yarn or create a fictional story. This is a accurate account of what’s going on in my life. If you’ve got any theories or anything please tell me. I need help.<br><br>-<br><br>I moved in on the 29th and the landlord told me that the previous tenant had moved out on the 28th, so the whole place was spotless. He’d even left a few things like a toaster and kettle which I was very happy about as I didn’t have to buy a new kettle or anything. <br><br>The landlord pointed out a few things like the cupboard where the dustbins were and where all the switches were for the different lights and after a while he just said that the final bit of paperwork was to be handed over the survival guide. <br><br>I thought he was being funny. It’s just a normal apartment, there’s nothing to worry about. I’ve been living on my own since I was 21 (I’m 23 now) and have never had any problems. <br><br>Turns out the landlord wasn’t being funny at all. He was deadpan sober when he gave me the two typed pages with ‘Survival Guide’ typed across the top in red ink. <br><br>I read it over once. I couldn’t believe how crazy it was. Then, as the landlord just walked away and left me to it, I read it again. <br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>Front page:<br><br>* The toaster doesn’t work<br><br>* The kettle doesn’t work<br><br>* The small cupboard to the left of the hob is for the dustbin<br><br>* There is a set of dustbin liners in the drawer under the hob<br><br>* There is a sweeping brush and dustpan in the cupboard under the sink<br><br>* The toilet brush is behind the toilet<br><br>* The shower curtain is mouldy, I didn’t have time to clean it before I left. Sorry.<br><br>* The plug for the bathtub doesn’t fit properly, you will have to give it a little tug to get it to stay<br><br>* Cleaning supplies are stacked up under the sink<br><br>* Don’t drink out of the glass in the cupboard, it breaks really easy and cuts<br><br>* There is a spare key hidden under the loose bit of laminate on the floor in front of the fridge<br><br>* The tea towel and dishtowel are in the bottom drawer under the hob<br><br>* The spare tea towel and dishtowel are in the cupboard above the fridge<br><br>* The set of garden shears hangs from the hook on the wall in the main bedroom<br><br>* Bedding for the spare bed can be found in the wardrobe of the main bedroom<br><br>* All of the mugs but the 3 green ones can be put in the dishwasher<br><br>* The three green mugs cannot be put in the dishwasher or they will break<br><br>* The main bedroom faces east so you will get the morning sun, the spare bedroom faces west so you will get the afternoon sun<br><br>* There is a plug in mosquito repellent hidden behind the dvd player, it’s as powerful as it is expensive. Please do not touch it<br><br>* The dvd player doesn’t work. Give it to a friend or throw it away.<br><br>* There is a little hill out the back that is perfect for sitting on. Please do not sit on it.<br><br>* The terrestrial tv does not work. Do not try to use it.<br><br>* The fridge does not work properly if you put full bottles of water or full cartons of juice on the bottom shelf. It will not chill properly and may even break.<br><br>* The set of garden shears is not a decoration. You will need it.<br><br>* If you get the newspaper, don’t put it in recycling. The binmen won’t pick it up and they’ll just leave it on the doorstep<br><br>* There are a pair of garden gloves as well as a garden trowel and cultivator under the sink, you will need them.<br><br>* Don’t touch the garden Gloves, Garden Shears, Garden Trowel or Garden Cultivator without washing your hands for at least thirty seconds beforehand <br><br>* There is a bit of discolouration on the ceiling in the hallway, that’s where the previous tenant died.<br><br>* The spare toilet paper is stacked in the bathroom cupboard<br><br>* The spare toilet paper paper will not fit on the holder. You will have to stack it on the floor.<br><br>* I have stacked a couple of spare toilet paper rolls on the floor for you. Please don’t touch them.<br><br>* If the terrestrial tv flickers during a storm, pull the plug. Don’t try to switch it off at the box.<br><br>* It may look old, but the fan works perfectly and it makes the whole flat much cooler. Don’t try to get it repaired or replaced.<br><br>* Please do not spill anything on the fan. It cannot survive falls onto hard surfaces. <br><br>* The red box of cables hanging from the hook on the back of the door is for the fan, please don’t touch it.<br><br>* If you ever hear a noise from outside that sounds like thunder, but you can’t see any clouds; close all of the windows, draw all of the curtains, seal any cracks with a blanket and get under the couch. If you hear it at night and you can’t get to the safety of the couch in time, get into the bathtub.<br><br>* If you hear thunder at night, please do not try to look out of the window<br><br>* If you choose to use the patio, please do not sit on the little hill that leads to the street. The binmen won’t collect you.<br><br>* Do not work for a rival newspaper company. It won’t end well for you.<br><br>* If you work for the local newspaper, make sure your name isn’t on the bylines. It won’t end well for you.<br><br>* Do not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES sign a contract with a newspaper company. You will spontaneously combust in your sleep.<br><br>* Do not sign anything that you don’t fully understand. They will find you and they will hurt you.<br><br>* The person talking to the newspaper on the patio is not to be trusted. Watch him.<br><br>* You will inherit a debt with this flat. It cannot be avoided. Do not try to fight it.<br><br>* If you are being offered a good deal, you are being tricked. <br><br>* If you are being offered a very good deal, you will die.<br><br>* If you sign a contract for a very very good deal, you will die during the night.<br><br>* Please do not sign a contract for a very very very good deal. I didn’t have time to find out what would happen, but I don’t think it’ll be good. <br><br>* Laylow for the first month, the landlord prowls for fresh meat for the first thirty days.<br><br>* Before getting into bed, always check under it. <br><br>* Always check what’s on the tv before you turn it off.<br><br>* Please don’t touch the tv if you happen to catch it between 2am and 3am.<br><br>* Always unplug the tv before you go to bed<br><br>* Please don’t touch the corridors.<br><br>* The Corridors are not to be trusted. <br><br>* The Corridors are not safe.<br><br>* The Corridors shift and change on their own. Do not try to navigate them unless you have no other choice.<br><br>* Do not try to choose which corridor you take. You have no control over that. The Corridors will decide what they send to you.<br><br>* If you get lost in the corridors for more than three hours, you will never find your way out. <br><br>* Before you leave the flat, please make sure that you lock the corridors. <br><br>* If you hear knocking from the walls, it’s probably fine. <br><br>* The little light in the hallway is for maintenance staff only. <br><br>* There is a red button in the bottom of the little light in the hallway. Do not press it unless you want to summon the maintenance staff.<br><br>* Do not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES summon the maintenance staff. They will find you wherever you are in the flat and kill you in the most brutal fashion they can think of. <br><br>* Maintenance staff have complete access to the Corridors.<br><br>* Do not try to communicate with the maintenance staff. They will not respond to you.<br><br>* Please do not spill anything on the grout in the bathroom. It will crack and that will be a very bad thing.<br><br>* Please do not pick at or scratch the grout in the bathroom. It will crack and that will be a very bad thing.<br><br>* When showering, please do not aim the showerhead directly at the grout. It will crack and that will be a very bad thing.<br><br>* Please do NOT use the spare toothbrush. <br><br>* Please do not let the tap in the bathroom run for too long or it will crack the grout. That will be a very bad thing.<br><br>* Please do not unplug the plug for the tv or you will crack the grout. That will be a very bad thing. <br><br>* The spare toilet paper in the bathroom cupboard is not for general use. It is there for a reason and touching it will be a very bad idea.<br><br>* Please don’t touch the tv<br><br>* Please don’t stand on the little hill in the back garden<br><br>* Please don’t sign anything for anyone <br><br>* Please do not look out of the window during a thunderstorm<br><br>* Please don’t talk to the previous tenant <br><br>* Please don’t try to change anything. If you try to change anything, it will only make things worse. Do not try to help.<br><br>—<br><br>Back page:<br><br>* When changing a lightbulb, please do it properly. <br><br>* If a lightbulb goes out and you can’t reach it, you don’t have to climb onto anything to change it. Just give it a couple of days.