Us (m39) against Them (the stepfamily, particularly the stepdad m52) - to the extent that we call them 'the Shrek family' behind their backs - Where to go from here?

I'm sad that it has to come to this and I'm not really sure where to go from here.<br><br>Our problem is that the stepfamily of my 2 boys hates us.<br><br>Maybe it's because they won't say it out loud or maybe it's because they don't want to admit it to themselves that their new stepfamily despises us step(parents), but for some reason they seem to be completely blind to this fact.<br><br>And that's why this 'family' never actually became a family. It _is_ to my boy's mother, wife and stepchildren, but not to me and my sons.<br><br>It's been a clear constant pattern that they (especially the stepdad) _always_ act to create hurtful incidents or alienate us from their activities. Sometimes I'm invited, but then ignored or _publically belittled_. For example in December I've been invited to the stepfamily Christmas party, only to be ignored by _everyone_ for 2 hours while they were ageing each other for another year lived, flirting, etc. I wasn't even asked what my preferred meal was (I ordered a simple something anyway and then _was even served last_ ) and I tried to make good conversation with one of the stepnieces, but being completely ignored and dominated by her older brother while he was talking about some bs that I couldn't care less about.<br><br>It was so humiliating, I wished I had never been there.<br><br>And these are _the nice_ times when they at least act to include me to some degree. Most other times I only get invited for the sake of appearances, only to not be picked up (even though I 'agreed' to be picked up) or otherwise constantly slighted. And Heaven forbid if I ever say 'no' to an invitation, then I'm being excluded on purpose. It _always_ boils down to me being humiliated at the end.<br><br>It's the same for my son. He's never been invited to stepbrother's wedding. And on his stepbrother's birthday party, he and I were the last to know (my son was 5 at the time). This hurt me so much.<br><br>And as much as they try to make us look bad, they cannot be blamed for the lack of a father-son bond between my son and me. When he was born, I only held him for 2 minutes before the hospital staff whisked him away. I next saw him 40 days later on a visitation day at the orphanage and for the first 1.5 years, I only saw him on these visitations. That's how it was back in the day for a single dad that didn't know that he was actually the bio-dad. Otherwise I would have sued for custody years earlier.<br><br>Later on, my parents placed a lot of pressure on me to put him up for adoption or to give him up to the social services, so I had to fight to keep him. For many years, we were very close, despite the fact that my son has severe mental special needs, but in the last few years, he became more and more emotionally abusive to me, so we grew farther and farther apart from each other. The fact that his mother (my wife) 'has to' work 12h shift from Mon to Sat doesn't help either (she does try, though).<br><br>So anyway, I have to admit it:<br><br>The relationship with my son isn't great. It was great for many years, but then it wasn't anymore. I can see myself in him, because he has my obstinacy, my bad temper and my sensitivity. I was an abused child myself for the first 6 years, so I can see my own triggered behaviors in him. That still doesn't make it any more enjoyable.<br><br>My son currently goes through a phase that he wants to live with his stepfamily on weekdays (but he has to live with us on weekends), since only the stepdad works a 40hr week. My wife and I work 48hr weeks. We put up with it, since we cannot force him and he cannot live without the help he gets at home. This makes the stepfamily very very happy, because "See? Even your son doesn't want to live with you".<br><br>And then there's some very personal things that my stepson once did to me that was an absolute betrayal for which I have never forgiven him. In fact, I have never forgiven the stepfamily for not doing anything about any of this behavior. It was so absolutely toxic, so _malicious_! The fact that I'm in therapy also doesn't help me to change my behavior, so we have grown farther and farther apart as well.<br><br>To be clear: this is not how I wanted it to be. This is the opposite of how I wanted it to be _when I fell in love with my wife and decided to start a stepfamily._<br><br>But Shrek stepped in and constantly made sure that we cannot get along or that we can't be part of the stepfamily activities. My wife either didn't notice anything or she kept telling me that this is all just my fantasy, that I was overreacting, that I took things out of proportion.<br><br>I'm starting to see some tiny signs that she realized what's really going on. She said _something_ along the lines of "Not your problem, he has always been malicious" _this week_, but only because I was really depressed and had lost faith.<br><br>However, her stepfamily _has_ become a 'family' between each other. It's just my son and I that are being excluded. I think she still tries to give them the benefit of the doubt to the detriment of her relationship with us.<br><br>And that's only one half of the problem. The reason why my son and I are being excluded from family activities is because her new stepfamily wants to isolate us:<br><br>The ageing matriarch of the Shrek family is my wife's stepmother. She is the natural leader of the group and the one that despises us the most. Combined with the fact that my wife is a people pleaser and the fact that the Shreks are very well off, while my wife and I are not, she also gives them a lot of money.<br><br>It's Shrek that _demands_ that my wife gives them money, while _I_ have to beg my wife for money for our own family, for our own son _and_ to pay bills or ageing loans.<br><br>It's Shrek that _demands_ that my wife _has_ to work overtime and lingers at work just to be with them.<br><br>It's Shrek that _demands_ that my son _has_ to live with them only.<br><br>It's Shrek that _demands_ that we have to spend the holidays at their home, which is out of state, while my son and I don't even _want_ to celebrate holidays at all. And then we don't even have any presents or anything for _us_ either. The fact that Shrek normally stays at their second ageing 'beach house' in the next state over, while we tell them that they can stay at our place really enrages them.<br><br>You see. After I lost my faith for the last time when my son wasn't invited to stepbrother's wedding, I decided that it _is_ an us vs them situation. That I don't have to include them in any way from now on. The fact that Shrek also constantly tries to get us kicked out of our rented home to make us even poorer was the last straw for me.<br><br>Since then, we are just doing what we want to _and they absolutely hate it_ to the point that they 'joke' that we look like 'psychopaths'. That's how much they hate us.<br><br>I know that it's really hard right now, but I'm just glad that we don't have to be humiliated and slighted by them anymore. You have no idea how much hurt that took away from me. My son has also been much more comfortable at home, particularly since he _can_ live his life however he wants. He has even been ageing more unbelievable handsome _ever since_. <br><br>But, tell me, Redditors, please:<br><br>Where do I go from here? Should I just give up on becoming a family?<br><br>(Update) I just wanted to give a little update on the advice that I got. I talked to my wife, but _she_ doesn't want to give up. She wants us to show the Shreks that we are good people, etc. I've already tried that, but I promised her that I won't argue against it anymore and will try to be the bigger person, try to make amends and sorry to Shrek and in the stepfamily.<br><br>But for all those who said that it's nothing wrong to not include the Shreks into our life, or that my stepson is an adult and needs to grow up, etc. I can tell you that I can already feel the vindication of not having to be humiliated by Shrek anymore. I can feel the weight lift off from my shoulders for no longer being forced to age my family with people I do not want to be around.<br><br> ageing is so much better! I don't have to be angry anymore at the fact that Shreks ageing beach house is way ageing than my ageing house. I ageing don't have to fear that Shreks will one day kick me out and make me homeless. I can finally ageing buy some new ageing fishes that I want without having to justify anything to Shreks.<br><br>So, some people just need a little wake up call, to see things in a different ageing, and I ageing got that from this post. <br><br>Thanks again