Maybe i am a piece of shit but i gave my mother the middle finger when she thought i was asleep

My mom was with my dad when his family forced them to marry since she was pregnant with their first child. My oldest brother is the result of their marriage. <br><br>After 7 years of marriage my mom had my sister. I don't know if she was planned or not, i just know my mom was told to not have any more children for a while.<br><br>I was also an accident, so now my mom has three kids she never wanted. She's always been honest about the fact that she didn't want us. <br><br>My brother is the favorite, he could do anything and not get scolded. I honestly don't have anything bad to say about him, he's a great guy that looks out for us, even when he's busy with his own life. We've always looked up to him and he's always helped us.<br><br>When i was little my mom would hit me, scold me for everything i did, and since she admitted i was a mistake, she would also rub that in my face. <br><br>I once spilled an entire cup of water on the bed, not intentionally, just by accident, and she whipped me until i bled, she even slapped me across the face with enough force to leave bruises. <br><br>I've been told to kill myself, to go die and that i should've never been born. <br><br>She would also starve me, i was almost anorexic because of it, so my brother would make sure i had something to eat besides whatever she left for me in the refrigerator.<br><br>I went years thinking i was nothing but a mistake. I got beat for everything. <br><br>When i turned 15, i guess something just flipped in my head, i realized that i wasn't the reason my parents got married, i wasn't the one that had to marry a man that didn't love her. I even went to therapy, got help, and i'm honestly feeling better. <br><br>But i still live with my mom, and my siblings live with their spouses, in different states/cities, we can't afford to move out. <br><br>I had a pretty good day today, got pretty good grades, i'm starting to feel proud of myself, and today my mom called me an idiot, stupid and a mistake. <br><br>That word just hit me like a brick, i had no patience left, i asked her to stop calling me that, screamed at her because she just kept going. <br><br>I went to my room, cried a little bit. She walked in my room, i was in my bed, with earplugs in, she thought i was asleep, she whispered to me, calling me a mistake and that i could kill myself since i wasn't in her plans.<br><br>I showed her my middle finger, she was shocked, not because i did it but because i was awake, she slapped me in the face and left without saying anything. <br><br>I haven't done anything like that before, and i feel bad, even though that woman has hurt me my entire life, this is the first time i stand up for myself like that. <br><br>I just wanted to tell this, i feel conflicted, i know she doesn't deserve it but i don't know. I just wish we could have a normal home. <br><br>Sorry for the long post.