Today was my anniversary. 8 years.

My husband and I did date before getting married, but our first year anniversary was our first time. I didn't want to lose my virginity *just* for a hook up. I wanted it to be with someone I loved who loved me. At the time, he was that man. So, I made a set of rules for us that he happily agreed to. We would cuddle and kiss, but not touch each other sexually. I made it clear that I wasn't doing this because of my religion, or because I thought I was being a tease. I didn't want to be used. I wanted to feel loved. <br><br>As an 18 year old woman, I didn't know what I wanted and he was older and more experienced. I felt like he was moving too fast for me, and he tried to initiate sex with me multiple times even asking multiple times "are you sure you don't want to?" I said no. I made it clear I was not going to make love until I was married. He made a promise to be faithful. I was the first person he told about me getting pregnant. I miscarried 6 months later because of stress from his ex. <br><br>One day, he came home from work. I'm 25 now, so hopefully he was 28 or 29 at the time. I don't keep track of his age much. Anyway, he came home from work, I was on the couch, and he said he needed to tell me something. He told me about his ex girlfriend and some weird obsession he'd been having. That he'd been having sex with her. He was pained. He was angry at himself for allowing this woman to get in his head. He told me he didn't love her and that he wanted to be with me. That he'd go to therapy to address any issues from his past. Apparently they were abusive to him and that's why he couldn't say no. <br><br>I stayed. I loved him. I write all this to point out that I *loved* him. I loved him more than life. I stayed through his infidelity. I stayed and I helped him. I stood by him and I comforted him. <br><br>Today was our anniversary, but he didn't remember. <br><br>I write this post because last night I caught him with his dick in the air, thrusting. He was surprised to see me. I lift his laptop and I see that he's naked. I see the woman he's talking to. I look through his messages. He's been cheating on me this whole time. He didn't delete a single message. He didn't even set his messages to expire. I read everything. His ex girlfriend from high school back in town, cheating on me. Unsolicited, I get a message from her. A screenshot of them cheating. She's angry at him and she wants me to know. <br><br>I sat there in silence. I didn't even move. I needed to tell myself that my body still worked. I didn't move. I didn't speak. I tired to move my tongue, but nothing came out. I should have ran away. I sat there for 15 minutes watching him lie to me. Watching him make promises about therapy and how I'm his wife and he should have treated me better. I should have stood up, but I sat there like a lump until I remembered that I didn't need to *stand up*. I didn't need to *do* anything. I didn't need to fight. <br><br>I got up. I moved all my things in the guest room. I will leave him. I will leave and I will not come back. Today was my 8th anniversary. I was supposed to love him forever. This woman ruined me. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know how to do anything. I've been in shock. I've been angry. I've been sad. But I didn't know how to react to a woman *hurting* me. I've been hurt by men my whole life, but women are supposed to lift each other up. The woman is my problem now. This woman who cheated on her husband with my husband. This woman who then told my husband to never speak to me again. <br><br>The way she gloated afterwards was sickening. <br><br>She may have ruined me. She may have ruined my trust in others. She may have made love scary. She may have made me feel inadequate. She may have hurt me. But she did not win. <br><br>I am taking my life back.