My husband convinced me that I'm not really here.

I've always known that he's a little different. I met him at a party in our junior year of college, and back then he seemed normal enough. But then I learned that he grew up in a really wealthy family and that his parents are both very successful. I was no one. I worked a dead-end job at the time and lived with my dad, who has schizophrenia, and my little sister, who was only eight then and had the same condition. <br><br>When he asked me out on our first date, he picked me up in a shiny red sports car. He took me to the nicest restaurant in town and bought me the most expensive bottle of wine. He said he'd grown up in wealth, but that he'd left because he didn't fit in. He was too weird for them.<br><br>It wasn't long before I moved in with him. We got married two years after graduation. He found me a job at a local investment company, and it paid more than three times what I'd made before. He insisted that I stop working there a year later, saying that I didn't need to, that he made enough to support us both.<br><br>We lived in a beautiful mansion on the outskirts of the city. It was so large that neither of us ever saw our parents. He said we shouldn't see them anyway, that they weren't real.<br><br>That was the first time I'd ever heard him mention them.<br><br>He'd always talked about my dad and sister in the past tense, as if they were dead. And yet, he'd said earlier that he'd grown up with them. Now he said that he'd never known them. It made no sense.<br><br>I asked him to explain, and he said that he'd grown confused. It was late and he was tired. He'd talk about it in the morning.<br><br>The next morning he'd forgotten about it, and I'd almost forgotten too, until a few weeks later he brought it up again. He said that he'd read this really interesting article online, about a guy who claimed his girlfriend was a simulation. A projection of his mind.<br><br>I laughed. I thought it was a joke. But he said that it made sense. Think of all the people you met in high school or college. Do you really remember them? Do you really remember what they looked like? Can you describe their faces to me?<br><br>I said no one's face is perfect in your memory, and he said that's exactly my point. You only remember parts of people. Their faces, maybe their voices, the way they moved. But that's it. Your whole personality is a simulation of your brain, and that's all your personality is. It's a simulation inside a simulation, so two levels deep. And if you square a number enough times, it eventually gets closer and closer to zero. Eventually it hits it. So two squared is 4, but two squared squared is 16/4, which is 4, which is two squared squared squared. See? The closer you get to zero, the closer you get to the origin. The start of everything. And the brain is the start of reality.<br><br>I didn't believe him. I told him that we were going out to dinner and I left before he could argue.<br><br>I'd forgotten about that until last night.<br><br>We were lying in bed then, and he said that he'd read another article. This one was about a man who'd claimed to be the first person to break the surface tension of water. Everyone knew that you couldn't push your hand through the surface of water. It was too hard. But he'd done it.<br><br>I asked him what point he was trying to make and he said that I shouldn't try to touch or hold anything. Nothing is real, so I wouldn't be able to feel it anyway. I shouldn't go outside at night. I shouldn't eat certain foods, like apples or strawberries. I shouldn't shake bottles before I open them, like soda or juice. Nothing is real, so there's nothing to spill if the bottle opens.<br><br>I didn't believe him. I told him that the articles sounded stupid and he said that they probably were, but they'd been the first to open his eyes.<br><br>He'd always been a little odd, and now I think I understand why. Growing up in wealth doesn't make you happy. It makes you lonely. And when you have too much money and power, you'll do anything to distract yourself from that. He'd always been a little obsessed with his work. He'd spend hours in his study. I used to worry about it back then, but I got used to it. Now I realize he was just trying to escape the loneliness.<br><br>And he'd always been a little obsessive in bed. He'd never let me wear anything but a t-shirt and shorts, no matter how much money we made. He liked my legs and arms bare, and he always made sure I wore white. Only white. Even at Christmas, when everyone else was in red and green. He said that white was the most beautiful color. It was the color of snow and of stars. It was the color of nothing.<br><br>I'd always thought he was weird, but now I understood. And when he said that nothing is more beautiful than something, that nothing is real so it looks more real than something is, I almost believed him.<br><br>I almost believed him.<br><br>I didn't. I didn't want to. But I could see it in his eyes. He genuinely believed it. All those hours in his study, reading all those stupid articles. He'd convinced himself that nothing is real. But why? And why was he telling me now?<br><br>I asked him and he said that he wanted to save me. To keep me from falling. He said that if I knew what was coming, I could prepare for it. If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't make the mistakes that I would otherwise make.<br><br>I asked him what he meant, and he said that I shouldn't be out in public. I shouldn't be near running water, or anything that could burn. I shouldn't drive a car or ride a bike. I shouldn't cross the street or stand too high. And I definitely shouldn't jump.<br><br>I asked why not and he said that if I jump, I'll fall.<br><br>I laughed then. I told him I wouldn't fall if I jumped. And if I did, it wouldn't hurt me. Nothing is real, he'd said, so nothing would be there to fall.<br><br>He smiled at that and said that it was true. Nothing is real, so nothing would be there to hurt me. But that was a good thing. If I knew I wouldn't be hurt, then I would be brave. I wouldn't be afraid to fall. But if I didn't know that, if I thought I would fall and be hurt, then I would be scared. And I might jump. But if I do, I'll fall.<br><br>I asked him what he meant, and he said that if I jump, I'll fall.<br><br>I laughed again and said no, I won't. Nothing is real, so nothing will be there to fall.<br><br>He smiled and said that it was true. Nothing is real, so nothing would be there to fall. But that was a good thing. If I knew I wouldn't fall, then I would be brave. I wouldn't be afraid to fall. But if I do, I'll fall. If I jump, I'll fall. So I shouldn't jump.<br><br>I asked him what he meant, and he said that if I jump, I'll fall.<br><br>I stood up then and walked out of the room. I didn't want to hear him anymore.<br><br>But he was right behind me. He grabbed my arms and spun me around, and I saw in his eyes that he genuinely believed that nothing is real. That I'm not real.<br><br>I told him that he was wrong. I am real. I jumped off a bridge a few months ago, and I'm still here. If nothing is real, then I should have fallen. But I'm not here. So something is real.<br><br>He stared at me then, and for a moment I thought I'd convinced him. But then he smiled and said that I'm here.<br><br>I said no, I'm not. If nothing is real, then I'm not. Nothing is real, so nothing is here. If I'm nothing, then I'm not here. So I'm not real. You convinced me.<br><br>He smiled again and said that I'm here. He said that I'd jumped from a bridge, and I'm still standing. If I'm not real, then I should have fallen. But I'm not here. So something is real. And you are real.<br><br>I told him that I'm not. And he said that I am.<br><br>I walked out of the room then. I couldn't listen to him anymore. But he's right behind me. He convinced me that nothing is real, and he's convinced me that I'm not real. But he says I am. So am I?<br><br>I don't know. I really don't.