I (40M) was married to my high school sweetheart when I met my current wife (43F) who I ended up running away with and having two kids with

This is a long one, so stick with me. I was 17, and my mom was dying of cancer. Truth be told, I never really liked my mom. I never liked her much growing up, but she was always there so I never felt lonely. When she got sick, I knew that it was my fault, even though I was fully aware that I couldn't save her. I left my first wife (my high school sweetheart) and went to be with her when she was at the end of her life. I was selfish, but I couldn't help myself. She was my mother. My wife, who I abandoned, was not as concerned with me losing my mom as she was about me abandoning her.<br><br>After she passed away, I regretted leaving my first wife, and went back to try and work things out. I tried, but I just couldn't forgive myself. I ended up filing for divorce. I was not a good husband to my first wife. I wasn't a good husband when we married. I never loved her. I was in love with her, but I didn't know the difference. After I filed for divorce, she left the state. She told me that she never wanted to see me again. That was almost 20 years ago.<br><br>I met my current wife two years after that. She was the receptionist at a dentist office where I had some work done. I was still heartbroken about my mom, and still had the guilt of leaving my first wife still weighing on me. My current wife told me that day that she didn't believe in divorce, and we just clicked. We talked for months before we went on our first date. I was so lonely. I had no one to talk to. No one that I truly loved and wanted to be around. I still had the blues, and my current wife was so supportive. She knew I was a mess, but she helped me fix myself. She was my rock, and still is. She helped me forgive myself, and we started going to therapy together. She still helped me forgive myself when I started having nightmares about my ex crying out for me after my mom passed. She was there for me when I woke up crying, and she held me. She helped me work out my issues.<br><br>My first wife, on the other hand, never moved on. I don't know if she ever loved me, but I know that I was never good enough for her. I don't hate her. She's just a memory now, one that I don't really like to think about. I do know that she is not happy. She never remarried. She is still living where she moved when I left her. She has had a couple of serious relationships that seem to have not worked out, and I know that she thinks about me a lot. I haven't tried to contact her, even after I found out she was on Facebook. I don't think that we have anything left to talk about. I haven't seen her since I left. I don't know if she would even want to see me, but I'm sure that if we did, it wouldn't be the same people we were all those years ago. She's had a lot more to deal with than me leaving her. I have nightmares. I think that she is still holding onto a lot of pain.<br><br>My current wife knows about my ex. She knows about my mom, and she knows how much I love her. I know that she loves me, because she still sits with me when I'm crying. She holds me, and she never pushes me. She just loves me. I know that she loves me for who I am, even if that means loving a broken man. She knows that I'm still broken. She knows that I have a long way to go, but I know that I'll get there. I'm working on me, and she's helping me every day.<br><br>I never would have thought that I'd be with someone who loves me like she does. Someone who would run away with me, and stand by me even when I'm having a breakdown. I was a lost soul for so long, but my current wife found me. She found the broken pieces of me, and she helped me put myself back together. I know that I'll never be whole, but with her, I feel more whole than I ever thought possible. She makes me smile every day. She laughs at my jokes. She loves me. And I love her.<br><br>In the end, I didn't do anything wrong. I loved my mom, and I had to say goodbye. I'm not perfect, and I know that. I'm working on me. I know that I was selfish, and I know that I was hurting my ex for a long time. I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. I'm trying to be a good husband and father now. I know that I made mistakes. But I'm trying. And that's all anyone can do. I'm sorry for the ending. I guess this just turned out to be my therapy. Thanks for listening.