I (27f) got drunk and thought my boyfriend of 2 years (33m) was my husband. So I slept with him.

I can’t even describe how ashamed and disgusted with myself I was the next morning. My heart was breaking, I felt so violated. My body was sore, my butt hurt, I couldn’t sit down properly. I couldn’t even remember what we had done the night before. I kept looking at photos of when we got married 2 years ago, and my husband was in them all. I have no idea why I didn’t think of this before, why I didn’t just ask him if he wanted to role play, or why I didn’t just sleep. I don’t know.<br><br>I’ve never been a virgin, I’ve had a lot of sexual partners. I’m not a virgin, by any means. I’ve never cheated on a partner before either. I’m normally a very respectful and caring girlfriend, so I don’t know what came over me.<br><br>The worst thing was the next day. He kept making jokes about how good it was, and how he had been waiting for this to happen for a long time. I just wanted to die, every time he touched me, I thought of my husband. I was so confused, I thought I was going crazy. The whole day, every time I saw my boyfriend, all I could think of was my husband. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I just wanted to be alone with tears in my eyes. I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my best friends. I felt so alone, so ashamed. I thought that my husband would leave me, that he would get a divorce as soon as he found out what I did. I didn’t even know how I was going to tell him. I couldn’t even look at my boyfriend, every time he looked at me, I felt like he could read my mind. It was so embarrassing.<br><br>It’s been a week now, and I finally found the courage to tell him. I couldn’t sleep that night before, so I just told him. I cried the whole time, and he just laughed. He didn’t laugh at me, he laughed at himself. He told me he had been waiting for me to come around to my feelings, and that he thought I would never be ready. I asked him what the fuck he meant, and he just said that he loved me, and he was my husband. He showed me a photo of our wedding day, with both of us as my husbands. I freaked out, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t believe how calm I was, how accepting. I felt like I was in a dream.<br><br>He explained to me that polyamory is a lifestyle. That he was born poly, and he couldn’t change who he was. He told me that he had been with a lot of women, and he loved a lot of women. He said he loved me, and that he was waiting for me to be ready. I asked him why he didn’t tell me sooner, and he just said that he didn’t want to scare me, and that he didn’t want to push me away. I asked him why he laughed at me, and he said that he couldn’t help himself, that he was just relieved.<br><br>I’m writing this because after everything that happened, I don’t know what to think. I still feel ashamed of what I did, but at the same time, I feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I don’t know how to process my feelings, I don’t know what to say to my husband. I just don’t know what to do anymore.