I was a "john" for over ten years, I was an escort from a very young age

I'm not sure what category this belongs in, but it's a story I want to tell, I think I need to let it go. I was an escort from a very young age, I was 12 years old and upwards. I was forced into it by my step father. He made my mother let me do it, it was a way out, it was a way to get money for food. He would take the money after each time I did it, I was in school and I had to look like I was still living a normal life. <br><br>I was a "john" for over ten years, I'm not proud of it. I was forced, I was manipulated, but I was a willing participant, for a long time. I was in control of my body and no one could make me do anything I didn't want to do. I'm not justifying what I did. I don't blame my mother either, I don't blame her for what happened, she was also a victim. She didn't know how to protect me or herself from what he was doing. <br><br>I stopped after university, I met someone and I fell deeply in love with them, I moved away from home and started a new life, I started college in another country, it was a new start, I didn't do it again. But before that, for so long I was a "john", I gave myself to so many people, men and women, it was like I had no feelings or emotions, it was just a job. I felt like a prostitute, but I never saw myself as one. I didn't feel dirty or disgusting, it was just something I had to do. <br><br>I remember one of my first clients was a gay man, he would see me every week for over two years. He was so sweet, kind, and gentle. I grew to love him, I cared for him deeply, I was so concerned for him when he got dumped by the man he was seeing, I took care of him when he was sick. I felt like I was his girlfriend, but I wasn't. I loved him, but I couldn't be with him. I remember the day he told me he was getting married, he said he would always love me, but I wasn't the right type for him. I cried for him, I cried for myself. I missed him after all those years. I still think of him to this day, I wonder if he's okay, I wonder if he thinks of me. He was one of my first, but he was also one of my last. <br><br>I feel like a monster, I don't see myself like I did back then. I'm not the same girl I used to be. I still have issues today, I struggle with trust, I struggle to open myself up to people. But I have gotten better, I've worked hard to get to where I am today. I still have a long way to go, I still need to work on myself. I just needed to say it, I need to let it go.