I fell in love with a place I'm never going to return to. And I'm okay with that.

So in the last week of may, my family and I returned to the place where I grew up for a week. I was born in a small town in Italy and moved in the US when I was 12. I have returned to my old town a few times when I didn't have to work, like summer vacations or winter break. This last trip was the first time since the pandemic, mostly due to my mom no longer being able to fly across the ocean. <br><br>I'm a 29 year old male, with a good job, a good citizen, but mostly not a very sentimental person. However, I found myself thinking about my childhood a lot during this trip. it's been 17 years since I moved and a lot of things have changed. The town has changed, my friends have changed. Life has changed. I no longer speak the language like I used to, I no longer like the food like I used to, and I'm no longer comfortable navigating the streets like I used to. I have become a grumpy outsider, and I had to learn to accept that.<br><br>I visited the places where I used to play when I was a kid. The first house I lived in, the church I used to walk to with my grandma. I ran into some friends who I haven't seen in 10 years. I met my nephew for the first time, and I realized that my sister no longer wants to emigrate. <br><br>I have been away for so long, and still whenever I see someone from the town I grew up in, it's always "Ciao, come stai? Ma non eri andato via?" "Hi, how are you? But didn't you move away?" Moving away in a small town is considered a sign of failure. <br><br>I was a happy child, but I never felt like I belonged. I always felt forced in a way to stay in that town, as if I was being held back by some sort of unsaid rule. I used to watch in awe as the tourist walked across the main square, and I used to imagine what it would be to see the town through their eyes. <br><br>Eventually I left, studied abroad, and never really went back. This town has been in my heart for my entire life, but I never really felt like it was home. I have made a new life for myself, and I have mostly forgotten about my old one. Until this trip. <br><br>I started to study Italian again, and it's like everything came back. I started to connect with my heritage again. I started to see the beauty in the imperfect. I realized that home is not a place, it's a feeling. I realized that everyone needs to grow up and move on with their lives, and this town is my past. <br><br>I spend a lot of time journaling, and I realized that my heart is at peace when I'm in this town. Everything seems clearer when I'm there. I have a better understanding of myself and the world around me. And yet, I live a fabulous life in the US, and I'm not going to leave it to go back to the place where I grew up. I'll eventually return, but I may never go back to live. <br><br>I realized that I used to see my hometown as a symbol of a different life, a life I may have lived if I didn't move. But it's not. It's a part of my story, but it's not my story. And I'm at peace with it. <br><br>I realized that I used to see my hometown as a symbol of a different life, a life I may have lived had I stayed. But it's not. It's a part of my story, but it's not my story. <br><br>I realized that I used to see my hometown as a symbol of a different life, a life I may have lived had I stayed. But it's not, it's just a part of my story, and it's not my story. <br><br>I may not know if I will ever return, but I know that I will always love it, even if we have drifted apart. I will always carry its memory with me, but I don't have to go back. <br><br>It's hard to describe the feeling when you have lived in two places for your entire life, and you feel like you don't belong in either of them. The feeling of being a foreigner in your home country. It's hard to put words on a feeling you don't know how to describe. And it's okay.<br><br>I learned to let go of the past, to make peace with it, and to close the doors I had left open. It was an exercise in resilience and introspection, a journey of self-discovery that showed me how to see beauty and love a place without feeling the need to go back. And for that I'm so grateful.<br><br>I may not know if I will ever return, but I know that I will always love it, even if we have drifted apart. I will always carry its memory with me, but I don't have to go back. <br><br>It's hard to describe the feeling when you have lived in two places for your entire life, and you feel like you don't belong in either of them. The feeling of being a foreigner in your home country. It's hard to put words on a feeling you don't know how to describe. And it's okay.<br><br>I learned to let go of the past, to make peace with it, and to close the doors I had left open. It was an exercise in resilience and introspection, a journey of self-discovery that showed me how to see beauty and love a place without feeling the need to go back. And for that I'm so grateful.